I'm a planner and I like to be prepared. This is in part a conscious process on my part, and also a result of the fact that I am a chronic worrier and I tend to reflect (and reflect again) on everything. I consider myself fairly well-read and knowledgeable when it comes to issues related to adoption. I blog, I read lots of blogs, I read articles, I read books ... the degree to which I have researched adoption has been somewhat of a source of pride. I've been telling Lily her adoption story since she was born. I've made Lily a book about her adoption and I've read her children's books about adoption. We have a very open adoption with both of Lily's first parents and some extended family members. And that's why I am absolutely devastated that I totally blew it when I had my first real opportunity to react to my daughter when she expressed her first opinion about her adoption.
Lily is two; she turns three in a few weeks. One of Lily's favorite things to do is look through the 700+ pictures and videos I have stored on my iPhone. The vast majority of them are of her; there are also a lot of Ferb and some of other family members, including Lily's first parents, Fiona and Nate. Last night Lily and I were home alone and she was once again going through all the pictures and videos, and we came upon a picture of her and Nate in which she almost looks like Nate's clone. I said something to the effect of "you look so much like Nate in this picture," and I could tell that her mind was running, but I wasn't sure where. I don't remember what I said after that, but the next thing I know Lily is looking me right in the eye with a sad/annoyed look on her face and saying, "I look like mommy and daddy. I no want to be adopted."
Well, it was as if everything I have learned about adoption over the last 5+ years was suddenly erased from my brain and I don't even remember exactly what I said, but it wasn't good. I was scrambling for words and I think I said "don't be sad" and "it's not bad to be adopted." And then I hugged her and told her how much I loved her. Honestly, I'm just mortified at the way in which I handled the situation.
I can't stop thinking about what happened: Is it typical for a two-year-old to express an opinion about her adoption? I nearly fell off the couch when she expressed her feelings so clearly to me. I want to believe it's a good sign that she felt comfortable expressing her feelings, but I can't stop kicking myself for my lack of a good response. Instead of validating her feelings, I was so sad to see her hurt and eager to make her "feel better." After so much preparing, why was I so UNPREPARED?
I'm interested in any advice as to where to go from here. Again, Lily is only two years old (almost three) and any conversation with her has to be age-appropriate. While it might make me feel better to bring it up again and try to revise my initial response, I think that's a bad idea -- it will be very out of context for Lily and she may not even remember our initial "conversation" about it. Perhaps it's best that I wait until she brings it up again, and start preparing a better response now. And honestly, what is the best response to a two-year-old who says, "I no want to be adopted"?
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Under One Roof
Adoption agencies tell prospective adoptive parents that open adoption doesn't mean we'll all be living together as one family. It doesn't mean that first parents will show up on our front doorsteps asking to move it. We laugh nervously, not sure how to envision the hypothetical open adoption. We wonder how all the members of the triad fit together, especially when we involve multiple extended families.
Almost three years into our very open adoption -- one that has unfolded in ways I never could have imagined as a prospective adoptive parent -- Lily's first mother asked if she could live with us temporarily. I was hesitant to tell the outside world. I knew our decision to say "yes" wouldn't be understood or well-received by a lot of people. Ultimately, that didn't really matter to me. What mattered was being there for Fiona.
Fiona needed a place to live. I won't go into the details that led Fiona to that point. That's not my story to tell. But one can imagine that the circumstances were not good.
So what is it like to like to have your daughter's first mother live with you for five weeks? In some ways, it was oddly normal. There were many times when it felt no different than having a sister or close friend live with us. There were a lot of laughs. Can't breathe kind of laughs. It was comfortable. It was really nice.
Sometimes it was emotionally draining. Those who live it know that open adoption can be simple and complicated in the very same moment. There were nights when I cried by myself. I think I may have sprouted a few more gray hairs.
I learned a lot about Fiona, and in turn learned a lot about my daughter. We met Lily for the first time when we picked her up from the hospital when she was one day old. I knew very little about what had transpired up until that point. Now I know a lot. And as painful as it is to know, I'm glad I do. I still believe that it's better to know the truth, no matter what that truth might be.
Living with us also gave Fiona a chance to bond with Lily in a way that she hadn't been able to in the past. I saw her become more relaxed and comfortable around her daughter. Lily's love for Fiona grew, too. That was a huge positive.
Fiona and I became closer friends. We know more about each other. We're more trusting of one another. We know that we have each other's back, even (and especially) when times get tough.
I certainly am not advocating that every adoptive and first family move in together. What I am left with is this -- open adoption and the relationships that form within it are no different than those formed in other aspects of life. Only time will tell how those relationships evolve. Everything is on the table. There are no universal rules.
Not many understand the fact that I have willingly invested myself in Fiona's life, and that does continue to bother me. No one would question me if I told them that my mother, sister, brother, aunt, cousin, close friend, etc., etc. was living with us temporarily.
Although I told only close family and friends about the situation, I received several "Won't that confuse Lily?" comments. Why would nearly three-year-old Lily be confused that her very sweet and loving birthmother was staying with us for a few weeks? To Lily, right now Fiona is another person in her life who loves her to pieces. I don't get it. They don't get it.
I still have so much to learn about adoption and its impact. As unusually close as we are with Fiona and several members of her extended family, we still have never met Nate's extended family. They don't even know about Lily. That continues to really bother me, too.
I believe I will look back at our five weeks with Fiona as another turning point in our open adoption -- one that brought us closer and solidified our union as "family."
Almost three years into our very open adoption -- one that has unfolded in ways I never could have imagined as a prospective adoptive parent -- Lily's first mother asked if she could live with us temporarily. I was hesitant to tell the outside world. I knew our decision to say "yes" wouldn't be understood or well-received by a lot of people. Ultimately, that didn't really matter to me. What mattered was being there for Fiona.
Fiona needed a place to live. I won't go into the details that led Fiona to that point. That's not my story to tell. But one can imagine that the circumstances were not good.
So what is it like to like to have your daughter's first mother live with you for five weeks? In some ways, it was oddly normal. There were many times when it felt no different than having a sister or close friend live with us. There were a lot of laughs. Can't breathe kind of laughs. It was comfortable. It was really nice.
Sometimes it was emotionally draining. Those who live it know that open adoption can be simple and complicated in the very same moment. There were nights when I cried by myself. I think I may have sprouted a few more gray hairs.
I learned a lot about Fiona, and in turn learned a lot about my daughter. We met Lily for the first time when we picked her up from the hospital when she was one day old. I knew very little about what had transpired up until that point. Now I know a lot. And as painful as it is to know, I'm glad I do. I still believe that it's better to know the truth, no matter what that truth might be.
Living with us also gave Fiona a chance to bond with Lily in a way that she hadn't been able to in the past. I saw her become more relaxed and comfortable around her daughter. Lily's love for Fiona grew, too. That was a huge positive.
Fiona and I became closer friends. We know more about each other. We're more trusting of one another. We know that we have each other's back, even (and especially) when times get tough.
I certainly am not advocating that every adoptive and first family move in together. What I am left with is this -- open adoption and the relationships that form within it are no different than those formed in other aspects of life. Only time will tell how those relationships evolve. Everything is on the table. There are no universal rules.
Not many understand the fact that I have willingly invested myself in Fiona's life, and that does continue to bother me. No one would question me if I told them that my mother, sister, brother, aunt, cousin, close friend, etc., etc. was living with us temporarily.
Although I told only close family and friends about the situation, I received several "Won't that confuse Lily?" comments. Why would nearly three-year-old Lily be confused that her very sweet and loving birthmother was staying with us for a few weeks? To Lily, right now Fiona is another person in her life who loves her to pieces. I don't get it. They don't get it.
I still have so much to learn about adoption and its impact. As unusually close as we are with Fiona and several members of her extended family, we still have never met Nate's extended family. They don't even know about Lily. That continues to really bother me, too.
I believe I will look back at our five weeks with Fiona as another turning point in our open adoption -- one that brought us closer and solidified our union as "family."
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