The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. Click here to read other responses to the prompt.
What were your reasons for choosing open adoption? (Or, for adoptees, what are your reasons for continuing to invest in your relationships with your first family?)
In the spirit of full disclosure, I didn't choose open adoption -- it chose me. However, I have embraced open adoption more than I ever could have imagined. Our adoption agency presented us with a closed adoption when they first contacted us about Lily. The social worker indicated that this is what Lily's birth parents wanted when they decided to place Lily the day she was born. Seven days after we picked up Lily from the hospital, we were asked to open the adoption, and we agreed. I had wanted an open adoption from the start, but agreeing to one after placement created a lot of anxiety for me -- I was agreeing to start an intimate relationship with a family I had never met. I didn't even know their names, and the open adoption being requested involved multiple visits a year until Lily was 18 years old.
We began with an agreement to have two visits a year and send pictures and updates once a month. After our first visit, something changed inside of me, and I started hoping that the number of visits would grow. The fear that I had seven days after Lily was placed with us was gone and replaced with an intense desire to keep this relationship between my daughter and her first parents going, and going strong. They needed her, and she needed them. I believed that my job as Lily's mother was to create an environment where that relationship could grow and flourish.
As the number of visits grew, so did my relationship with Fiona and Nate and Fiona's extended family. Lily is what connected us, but our friendships took on dimensions that extended far beyond sharing a daughter. I blogged last spring about the fact that Fiona lived with us for five weeks. I recently held a birthday party at our house for Lily's biological great-aunt. I see Lily's birth grandmother several times a month for drinks, brunch, or zumba. They are my family and friends, and my life is so much richer because they are in it.
There was no way for me to predict how open adoption would unfold for our family. Like every other family in an open adoption, we took a leap of faith. I embrace open adoption because I believe in its value for Lily, for Fiona and Nate, and for me, G, and Ferb. It's not always smooth sailing - nor is any relationship - and I recognize that it's easiest for me and G, the adoptive parents.
I've read the writings of people who are anti-open adoption, and they seem to think that open adoption means that someone will always be looking over your shoulder and judging your parenting of their child. I can't say I have never felt this way ... there are times when I wonder what Fiona and Nate think of something we've done with regard to raising Lily ... but it would never cause me to close the adoption. That attitude seems incredibly self-centered. It seems like dealing with our own insecurities and a little discomfort now and then is the least we can do for people who have suffered the great loss of placing their child.
Biology, heritage, roots ... these things do matter. I don't believe those elements in and of themselves guarantee a good relationship between two people who share them, but they are elements that help form our identity. I can't imagine keeping Lily away from her family, people who love her and are connected to her in this very special way.
