In the adoption world, attachment usually refers to the attachment between a child and a parent, but I'm actually thinking today about my attachment to Fiona and Nate, my daughter's first parents. Early on, I was fairly open with my friends and family about how much I cared about Fiona and Nate. My feelings were met with resistance, and comments I received ranged from "don't let them get too close" to "everyone needs to move on." I pushed back when I got those kinds of comments, but I also stopped talking about Fiona and Nate as much as I had at the beginning. When I do talk about them now, people know better than to try to convince me my relationship with them is wrong; instead, I receive nods and lots of "uh-huh"s.
The truth is, I think about Fiona and Nate every day. I worry about them. I wonder how they're doing. I have an intense need -- and it is my own need -- to know they are okay. They are struggling right now, and I really want to help them. But there's no real way for me to help them. I can continue to show them my love, but somehow that falls short in my mind. Theoretically, there may be ways I could help them, but when I think intellectually and not emotionally, I know that kind of helping wouldn't be appropriate or good for any of us in the long run. So I just stew in my head.
I've come to understand that until someone relinquishes their child to you, there's just no way to understand the bond that can exist between a birth parent and an adoptive parent. I have two younger sisters who I feel very maternal toward, and if I had to compare the way I feel toward Fiona and Nate, it would be closest to the way I feel about my younger sisters with a dash of the way I feel about my kids. It's a complicated feeling that even I don't fully understand despite my constant reflection on it.
I've read blog comments that theorize that sometimes adoptive parents are more "comfortable" if the first parents maintain an unstable life that would make it difficult for them to raise a child. That, the theory continues, would further validate the need for the adoption and therefore validate the need for the adoptive parents. When I read that, I wondered if in some deep part of my subconscious I felt that way. But as I watch Fiona and Nate struggle and feel helpless in helping them, I'm pretty sure that I receive no reassurance from their instability. It just makes me sad and frustrated.
G doesn't have the same attachment to Fiona and Nate as I do. He likes them, he's very friendly with them when we all get together, but I don't think they really cross his mind unless I bring them up -- which I don't do very often even though I'm thinking about them constantly. Part of that is G's personality. He's very social and loves being around family and friends, but he rarely initiates plans or picks up the phone to call anyone.
I do wonder if I will ever "move on" - meaning I wonder if there will be a time when I don't think about them constantly. Sometimes, I worry that my attachment to them is unhealthy, and that it could impact Lily as she gets older. Will she worry about them too? Will she worry about me worrying about them? Just more for me to worry about, I suppose.
I could not have said this better. This really is my life. We haven't had contact with my DD's birth mom since the end of August... I told my husband that all I wanted for Christmas was to know she is okay. I was there when she gave birth to my daughter and I remember thinking that I felt like at that moment she had become a daughter or little sister to me. Honestly this is the first time I have ever heard someone say {or write} exactly how I feel. Thanks you!
ReplyDeleteOur relationship with C is still so brand new that I'm sure people around us think that we'll "move on" eventually. I think about how she's doing almost daily. The "struggle" comment seems born out of ignorance. Who would be more comfortable knowing that?
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments. It's nice to know that others have experienced this connection in the same way. We're two and half years into our open adoption and I really don't know if I'll ever feel differently. Only time will tell. We're scheduled to have Lily's first parents over to our house tomorrow. I can't wait to see them. (BTW, the blog comment that I was referring to was related to a first mother who went on to parent her second and third child shortly after she placed her first child and how that seemingly made the adoptive parents of her first child uncomfortable because it made their adoption seem less ... necessary ... not sure if that's the right word. I'm probably not explaining it well, and I don't know if that was actually how the adoptive parents felt, but I thought it was an interesting theory.)
ReplyDeleteI think you are right about how only time will tell... we are 2 years in to our adoption too...
ReplyDeleteI don't think anyone can clearly define 'healthy' in regards to open adoption relationships, since every open adoption is like a fingerprint. Unique to the individual(s) involved.
ReplyDeleteI talk to our son's bmom all of the time, between texts, Facebook, phone calls and Skype. His bfather not so much. But that's just a personality difference. But we have good relationships with both of them.
Both are in varying places in their lives. Our bmom is now married and settled. Bfather is unemployed, and has another child on the way. But I worry about both of them just as much (if not sometimes more) than some of our family members. I care about them. They are our family. They are my son's birthparents. How can we, as parents, not love and care about the people that not only created the life that we hold so dear, but placed him/her in our arms?
I say continue to love and care for them as best you see fit. I know ours will always hold a special and unique place in our hearts.