I'm a planner and I like to be prepared. This is in part a conscious process on my part, and also a result of the fact that I am a chronic worrier and I tend to reflect (and reflect again) on everything. I consider myself fairly well-read and knowledgeable when it comes to issues related to adoption. I blog, I read lots of blogs, I read articles, I read books ... the degree to which I have researched adoption has been somewhat of a source of pride. I've been telling Lily her adoption story since she was born. I've made Lily a book about her adoption and I've read her children's books about adoption. We have a very open adoption with both of Lily's first parents and some extended family members. And that's why I am absolutely devastated that I totally blew it when I had my first real opportunity to react to my daughter when she expressed her first opinion about her adoption.
Lily is two; she turns three in a few weeks. One of Lily's favorite things to do is look through the 700+ pictures and videos I have stored on my iPhone. The vast majority of them are of her; there are also a lot of Ferb and some of other family members, including Lily's first parents, Fiona and Nate. Last night Lily and I were home alone and she was once again going through all the pictures and videos, and we came upon a picture of her and Nate in which she almost looks like Nate's clone. I said something to the effect of "you look so much like Nate in this picture," and I could tell that her mind was running, but I wasn't sure where. I don't remember what I said after that, but the next thing I know Lily is looking me right in the eye with a sad/annoyed look on her face and saying, "I look like mommy and daddy. I no want to be adopted."
Well, it was as if everything I have learned about adoption over the last 5+ years was suddenly erased from my brain and I don't even remember exactly what I said, but it wasn't good. I was scrambling for words and I think I said "don't be sad" and "it's not bad to be adopted." And then I hugged her and told her how much I loved her. Honestly, I'm just mortified at the way in which I handled the situation.
I can't stop thinking about what happened: Is it typical for a two-year-old to express an opinion about her adoption? I nearly fell off the couch when she expressed her feelings so clearly to me. I want to believe it's a good sign that she felt comfortable expressing her feelings, but I can't stop kicking myself for my lack of a good response. Instead of validating her feelings, I was so sad to see her hurt and eager to make her "feel better." After so much preparing, why was I so UNPREPARED?
I'm interested in any advice as to where to go from here. Again, Lily is only two years old (almost three) and any conversation with her has to be age-appropriate. While it might make me feel better to bring it up again and try to revise my initial response, I think that's a bad idea -- it will be very out of context for Lily and she may not even remember our initial "conversation" about it. Perhaps it's best that I wait until she brings it up again, and start preparing a better response now. And honestly, what is the best response to a two-year-old who says, "I no want to be adopted"?
You are not alone. My daughter has been saying this since she was 3. The social worked does not believe me. We have an open adoption too. At our last visit all little miss would do was say hi and bye. She is 4 now. Would not participate in anything. I was told she is just processing her feelings. I am looking forward to any words of wisdom you get given. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing your experience. This is the first time Lily has said anything about being adopted, and thus far I haven't seen her withdraw from her first parents. We see them every month or so and she always loves being around them, playing and laughing. I hope that doesn't change. I think you are right ... she is starting to verbally express the feelings she is processing. I do believe it's better to "get it out" rather than hold it in, so I'm trying to see it as a positive sign that she is expressing how she feels.
DeleteI think adoptees process adoption our whole lives, from beginning to end. My generation (closed-era) didn't talk about it much, but that wasn't necessary healthy. You know, even as an adult, I think I sometimes just want someone to say, "You know what, I get it, it sucks to be adopted. It sucks to be separated from your biological family. I'm really sorry that happened to you." That's not the whole truth of my experience of adoption, but it's a part of the reality that rises up in me sometimes, and it has rarely been met with understanding. Your daughter will give you lots of chances to get it right! And if set aside your own emotions (not easy, I know -- I'm an adoptive parent, too) and make space for her own, whatever they are ... even if you don't do it perfectly ... you'll be giving her so much.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Rebecca. I am such a huge fan of your blog and everything you write (I read every single entry!) so I really appreciate your input. As I reflect more on our conversation, I think Lily's comment was directly related to me saying that she looked like her first father in a picture. Her response was, "No, I look like mommy and daddy. I no want to be adopted." I think she was expressing a very normal feeling of not wanting to be "different" -- wanting to look like "mommy and daddy" rather than Nate and Fiona. And what you wrote as an appropriate response is very much in line with what I had planned to say if she ever expressed those kinds of feelings; I think I just wasn't prepared to say it to her when she was only two. In retrospect, I think I really stumbled because I was searching for two-year-old words to use in response, and they just don't exist. She expressed such a mature and insightful feeling and I should have given her the same in return. Of course, there's also the issue of my emotions -- wanting to stop by "baby" from hurting -- and I think that also stopped me from responding the way I had wanted to. I hope you are right that Lily will give me at least another chance to get it right. I believe that whatever feeling she has is valid and real and I want to always meet her where's she's at. And I want her to always feel like she can tell me whatever she's feeling and not worry that it will hurt ME. I'm a work in progress. :) Thank you so much for all you to to help me and other adoptive parents be the best we can be to our kids!
DeleteThat was supposed to say "...if you can set..." :-p
ReplyDeleteOur son just turned three and I had a similar situation recently that I was so shocked about something he said that I totally didn't handle it correctly. I have the same background as you about adoption education and are involved in a very open adoption. I still bobbled the conversation. Thankfully, it is seared in my brain now and will definitely handle it differently the next time he brings it up. Live and learn, right? :)
ReplyDeleteYes, definitely live and learn! Too bad we can pre-record our well-planned responses and play them on cue when the time arises. :) I hope my better reaction is seared in my brain, too.
DeleteI don't look forward to the day this happens in our household. I have a feeling it'll be something similar to what you describe. Good luck the next time!
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