We had a great visit with Fiona, Nate, and Fiona's mom Ivy this weekend. We went out to a festive event that involved costumes and candy and it felt just like a typical holiday outing with extended family. Lily was her vivacious, adorable self, charming all of us as well as strangers we encountered at the event. She's generally a very friendly child, but I notice an extra sparkle in her eye when she's around Fiona and Nate. She takes to them quite well and I love to see them interact with her.
From the very beginning, Fiona and Nate have been incredibly kind to Ferb, expressing an interest in his interests, buying him gifts on the holidays, and taking time to make him feel included. It's something that I really appreciate as I noticed pretty early on that Ferb acted out a bit before, during, or after our visits, clearly making sure we knew that he also needed some attention. (I've read about other situations in which parents have to deal with sibling jealousy issues when one child's birthparents come to visit. Ferb once asked me if his birthparents would be coming to see him, and he seemed fairly disappointed when I told him G and I were it.)
The morning after our visit this past weekend, I noticed that Ferb was acting strange. He's generally a loving big brother to Lily, but on this morning he couldn't get enough of her, hugging and kissing her and telling her multiple times that he was so happy she is his little sister and he loved her SO much. When we had a moment alone, I asked him if he had a good time at the event the previous evening, did he like the costumes, and some other questions to see if I could get him talking about why he was so focused on Lily in the morning. He gave me short responses, and he didn't open up about any feelings he was having.
His behavior stayed on my mind, so later in the day when Ferb and I were in the car I brought it up again. This time I phrased my questions a little differently; I asked if he had any questions about Fiona and Nate or our relationship with them. He said "no" and I could see through the rear view mirror that he gave me an eye roll. (I've asked him this question before.) Then after two minutes of silence, he asked: "What if they decide they want her back?"
And there it was, the question that I had a feeling was brewing inside of him. We talked about it for a few minutes. I explained that it doesn't work that way, that Lily is our daughter and his sister forever, but that doesn't mean that Fiona and Nate have stopped loving her. I told him that Fiona and Nate always wanted to be a part of her life, and aren't we lucky to have these two amazing people in our family, too. He agreed (he thinks they are quite "cool"), and then I assured him again that Lily was part of our family forever, and he doesn't ever need to worry about that changing.
I don't know what it will be like when Lily is old enough to have these kinds of thoughts, or what kinds of thoughts she'll have, but this was a good reminder that kids aren't just going to come out and tell you if they're confused or upset. It takes some creative prying to get them talking. After that conversation Ferb was back to his old self, and the extra loving big brother was replaced with the one who takes toys and makes goofy faces.
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