My Daughter's Mother

I met my daughter Lily before I met her mother Fiona. On a Wednesday I learned of Lily's existence, and on a Thursday I picked her up in the nursery of a hospital about 10 miles from our home. Lily was about 36 hours old, and truly perfect in every way. I didn't have a lot of time to think about what it would be like to see her for the first time, and I remember walking into the nursery and seeing lots of babies and wondering which one was Lily. Lily is not my daughter's real name - it's a name I use on the blog - but it's also the name the nurses at the hospital gave her. There was a big bouquet of pink balloons next to her "crib" with the name Lily written on them. (In case you're wondering, Lily is not the name her birthmother gave her either. Another week would go by before I learned that name.)

G and I spent about 30 minutes in the nursery with Lily. The nurses told us she was a good baby, that she ate and slept well. To be honest, my time in the nursery is very much a blur for me. Everything had happened so fast, and it seemed surreal that I was holding this perfect little creature in my arms, about to take her home and become her mother. During that first week, I wondered a lot about Lily's first mother. I had never met her, and I knew almost nothing about her, yet I felt like she was a part of me. She was told (through the agency) that I wanted to meet her, but I had no idea if and when I would ever get to see her.

A week later I got the call that Fiona was ready. And so was Lily's first father, Nate. I remember walking into the room at the agency to meet them for the first time. I don't know a lot about what happened at the hospital the day Lily was born, but I found out that day that Fiona and Nate had never seen their daughter. And here we were, carrying Lily into the agency in her car seat carrier, all meeting for the first time, all of us in what I'd have to call a daze.

I'm not someone who puts much emphasis on external looks - mine or anyone else's - but when I saw Fiona for the first time, I was stunned by her beauty. I honestly don't think I had ever seen such a beautiful person. Our first meeting was difficult for a lot of different reasons, which I guess I'm not quite ready to write about yet. But I will never forget that time and place, how I felt, and what I witnessed.

I'm not a grandmother, but the grandmothers I know say there's nothing like seeing your baby have a baby, and the feelings of love that you have for your child transfer into this new life. I think that's similar to the way I feel about Fiona. She is my daughter's mother, and the love that I have for her is deep and unlike any other.