Round Hole, Round Peg?

I haven't posted in quite a while - not because nothing was new in my adoption world, but because I was thrown off-kilter by my own family (of origin) issues. I am part of a step-family, and with step-families and families formed through adoption, we become "family" to people with whom we don't share a genetic link. Adoptive parents (for the most parent) choose to parent a child. Step-parents don't make that choice. Simply by marrying someone with children, a person becomes a step-parent -- at least in name, and often in expectation.

My step-family is not new. My father married my step-mother almost 25 years ago, when I was still a teen. The relationship between my step-mother and me was dysfunctional from the start. And while I learned to manage the relationship over time, the foundation was never strong. We were -- and are -- very, very different people. Me trying to mesh with her was like the old cliche: trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I really did try to adapt. And I became pretty good at it. But it was never good enough, and an incident this summer caused everything (and everyone) to unravel terribly. I'm not sure if these relationships will ever be repaired, and I'm coming to believe that is for the best. Some relationships just don't work. And sometimes, there are so many hurt feelings -- so much emotional damage -- that the relationships are beyond repair.

It was my experience as a step-child that made me very anxious about getting into an open adoption when we adopted Lily. I was opening myself up to relationships that were based on another person - my daughter - and I feared bringing another set of problems into my life. What I didn't consider at the time (pre-adoption) was how my daughter might feel. Pre-adoption, I was a big believer in nuture. Three plus years post-adoption, I think we're 90% nature. What I should have considered is ... what if my daughter feels like fitting in with our family is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole? I know that process well, and it's pretty miserable.

I'm certainly much more aware of significance of "nature" now, and I constantly remind myself that I need to give my daughter room to grow as an individual -- to be who she is, even if it is nothing like me, G, or Ferb. Ironically, the benefit of having such an open adoption is that I get to see older versions of the people with whom Lily shares her genetics. And I feel lucky that we all connect on such a deep level. I have become close friends with Lily's first mother and grandmother, and it amazes me how similar we are -- we love to laugh and joke around, we're all sarcastic, we have similar views of the world. We don't share the same race or religion, but we are remarkably similar in spirit. We talk about it all the time. Perhaps, by chance, we will be one of the lucky ones, and Lily's round peg will fit easily - at least most of the time - into our round hole. As I know, only time will tell.