"I would like her near me on the bus."

I've been blogging for a few months, and this will be my first post related to the fact that we have a transracial adoption. Lily is multi-racial. Both of her first parents are bi-racial. Lily is black, white, and Filipino, among others. G, Ferb, and I are white.

I've read extensively about transracial adoption. I've gained the most insight from adult adoptees who grew up in transracial families -- particularly those who grew up in "Whitesville." We live in an extremely diverse area. On an average day, we may see more people of color than white people. We have a diverse group of friends, and my great-uncle was black (he passed away a couple of years ago), so some of my extended family members are black. We have a collection of black dolls that rivals the doll collection at any store. We have a large book collection that includes stories about transracial families, famous people of color, folk tales from around the world, different skin colors, hair types ... the list goes on. And we have a very open adoption, so Lily knows and regularly visits with her first mother, father, and maternal grandmother.

I'm not naive - I know that despite our best efforts, Lily will deal with issues related to the fact that she is a different race than her immediate family members. I think I'm as prepared for that as one can be before actually being in the situation in which those difficulties present themselves.

We've had very few comments made to us about our transracial status. One surprising comment was made when Lily was only a couple of months old -- I was caught off-guard. After that, I prepared myself with an slew of possible responses; only no one has commented to us about it ever since.

We talk to Lily about race, about the fact that we have different skin colors. One day she picked up my hand and said, "Mama's hand white. My hand brown." I smiled, I told her she was right, and I told her that I love the color of her skin.

Some of Ferb's friends have been curious. When I've picked him up after school, I've heard kids ask him how his sister "came out" black. He explains that she is adopted. One night Ferb had a group of kids over to our house for a club meeting. Lily came into the room wearing her pajamas. One boy asked, "Is that your sister?" Ferb replied: "Of course that's my sister! Why would she be in my house wearing her pajamas if she wasn't my sister?" He understands that people wonder, and I see in him an effort to make sure everyone knows that Lily is just as much his sister as any sister would be. Lily and Ferb have a very special relationship that is far deeper and close than anything I could have imagined before I had children. More on this point --

I found a worksheet in Ferb's school folder the other day. (Ferb is in second grade.) It was a worksheet asking the student to answer a series of questions about Martin Luther King, Jr.  - when he was born, where he was born, etc. Here's the last question and Ferb's response:

Why do you admire this person?
I admire this person in my very own way since my sister is black. I would like her near me on the bus and I want her to go to my school.

Regrets

First, for the good news. Even though I haven't been blogging for very long, I decided to participate in the Adoption Bloggers Interview Project organized by Production Not Reproduction. And I've been randomly paired with an amazing blogger whose blog I've been reading for a while. I was catching up on her blog last night and came across a post she wrote about regret. She writes about how regret can be healthy if we use it as an opportunity to learn and grow. I couldn't agree more and it got me thinking about my regrets related to Lily's adoption. Here they are:

1. I regret that I wasn't more educated about open adoption and transracial adoption before I was in an open, transracial adoption.

2. I regret that I wasn't a better friend to Fiona when she reached out to me early on.

3. I regret that I let our adoption agency bully me into thinking I was powerless over certain issues that bothered me.

4. At the beginning of our adoption, I regret that I let my inner voice be drowned out by all the outside voices telling me what I should and shouldn't do.

I could explain the reasons I did each of these things at the time, but that's kind of irrelevant now. I have worked to right these wrongs over the last 2+ years. Some are a work in progress. And while I think it's absolutely healthy to have regrets -- I don't understand people who make obvious mistakes but proudly announce "no regrets" -- I also am a firm believer in forgiveness, both of ourselves and others. I learned a while back that self-destructive behavior doesn't right past wrongs. In fact, it just keeps them going. Self-reflection is important, and forgiveness is the best gift we can give to ourselves.