Society's View of Blended Families

People don't miss a beat when I tell them my parents are divorced and my father is remarried. Divorce, remarriage, step-parents, half-siblings are essentially non-issues in society today. But mention that you're in an open adoption and your family includes your adopted child's biological relatives -- eyes pop and jaws drop and questions come fast and furious.

I do believe that my role as a step-child has somewhat shaped the kind of adoptive mother that I am today. The relationship between my divorced parents and the step-family that evolved on my father's side were both highly dysfunctional, more so that I ever realized as a teenager and young adult. Any situation that involved the presence of my father, mother, and step-mother brought me high levels of anxiety and panic. My mother and step-mother called each other horrible names, and constantly told me that the other one didn't love me and had no place in my life. I was part of two families, and each one despised the other. I didn't feel "at home" anywhere. Every special event in my life (and in the lives of my sisters) has been overshadowed and tarnished by the hatred between my two families.

I often marvel when I meet people who tell me that their divorced parents are friends - or even friendly. I can't even picture that kind of relationship between my parents and step-mother.

I recently was talking with someone about my relationship with Lily's biological relatives, and I said that in some ways, they are the family I always wanted. At the beginning of our relationship, they embraced me because we loved the same person. And over time, we developed a true, loving relationship with one another. Had it not been for the mutual respect and compassion that we showed for one another at the beginning, I don't think our individual relationships would have been given the chance to flourish. Given my experience as a child, I can only believe that Lily seeing the love between her two families will make her a happier and stronger person, free from the anxieties I still carry with me in my 40s.

Ultimately, the adults in any blended family set the tone, and that tone generally (but not always) dictates whether the children in the family flourish or spend a good part of their adult life on the couch of a therapist. I do hope that adoption becomes more and more about the integration of families rather than the erasing of one to replace it with another. I hope that as society begins to accept this approach as the norm, more adoptive parents will choose the path of family integration. And I hope that all adults who find themselves in a blended family will recognize the critical role they play in creating the audio that will play in their child's head for decades to come.  

Funny Things That Happen When You're in a Very Open Adoption

Fiona and Nate, Lily's first parents, are still together as a couple - year six and going strong. Despite the fact that both of their mothers live locally, they had never met each other. Until recently. When I introduced my daughter's grandmothers to one another. Fiona and Nate weren't around. It was just me, introducing two other people's potential in-laws to one another.

The weather was beautiful the day we all got together and we went to an outdoor event in the neighborhood. Nate's mom ran into one of her co-workers who looked completely flabbergasted as Nate's mom's introduced all of us to her. We're all different races, so it's wildly confusing, and I tried to alleviate the awkwardness by asking her to guess which one of the grandmas was my mother. To which Fiona's mother said, "You really look more like your dad." The poor woman looked like she needed a drink.

Another friend who was at this event commented that I now travel with Lily's entourage. When this friend's mother - another grandmother figure - took Lily to go look at a petting zoo area, we laughed that just what Lily needs is another grandmother in her life. I've lost count of how many women identify as Lily's grandmother (or great-grandmother, or great-great grandmother). I think we're up to 9 or 10. It's truly astounding.

My family is getting bigger and bigger, and it makes me smile when I think about the amazing and unusual relationships that have formed through our open adoption. I've written recently about the hard parts, and there are many -- especially for Fiona and Nate -- but it's important to focus on the positives, too. Lily's 4th birthday is approaching, and I'm fairly certain that there will be more biological relatives than adoptive relatives at her party. In fact, I would venture to say that Lily will have more face-to-face interaction with more biological family members that I, a non-adopted person, had while I was growing up. Fiona and Nate and G and I now have mutual friends and mutual friends of friends and our lives criss cross in multiple ways. Fiona's mom and my great-aunt just became Facebook friends.

When people see me out and about with "Lily's entourage," they often ask me how I do it. The truth is - the socializing part is easy. However, my hat goes off to those adoptive parents who have two and three very open adoptions - there does come a point when there's just not enough room in the house, the car, restaurants, etc. to fit everyone.