After years of reading about and talking to adoptive parents, it seems like there are several different types out there -- 1) those who want and have a closed adoption; 2) those who have a semi-open adoption but wish it would close; 3) those who have a semi-open adoption but wish it was more open; and 4) those who have a very open adoption and have become open adoption advocates in one way or another. Of course these are generalizations and there's room in between, but for now, these are my categories. Did I miss any?
I'd put myself in Category 4, and I read a number of blogs written by adoptive parents in Category 4. I notice in the blog comments lots of "Wow, that's amazing, I could never do that ..." type comments, and I get those same kind of comments in real life, too.
It has me wondering -- are those of us in Category 4 really that different? Why are we so adament that our adoptions stay open when others feel it's something they couldn't or wouldn't or don't want to do? Do those of us in Category 4 have similar qualities or experiences? I don't know the answers, but these are questions I wonder about.
It's hard for me to remember how I felt at the very beginning of our adoption when I was still in the fearful stage. It was definitely a fear of the unknown. However, I don't remember that stage lasting for very long, and now it's the idea of the adoption closing that scares me. I know I'd just about kill myself trying to make sure it didn't happen. It's something I feel so intensely in my core, and even G has trouble understanding my level of passion about it.
If you have any theories, I'd love to hear them.
Interesting post. I'm definitely in category 4 and I get those comments, too, and they surprise me because to me it seems like I am doing the most natural, ordinary sort of thing. Part of what puts me in category 4 is being an adoptee myself, but there are lots of others in the category who don't have my history. I wonder though, if for all of us, there was some experience, some defining moment that shifted our points of view?
ReplyDeleteI'm one of those weird people for whom open adoption just made sense. (I also chose adoption first. I never wanted to have biological kids.) We don't have as much contact as I'd like with my son's birth family, but that's due more to her situation than anything else. I think some people just "get" open adoption. Some of those people understand it immediately, and some warm to it over time, but either way, they know it's what's (usually) best for the child.
ReplyDeleteThank you both for sharing your thoughts. I thought open adoption made sense on paper before I was in one, but then I suddenly became fearful of how it would work and feel when it became a reality. As I mentioned, that fear didn't last too long, but it did take a good amout of reading and self-reflection for me to get to the point where I was not only comfortable with the idea, but embraced it as well. Something inside motivated me to get myself to that point. Now our relationship seems very natural and I can't imagine it any other way. I do think that my experience as a child of divorced parents does factor into my desire for my daughter to feel harmony between her a-family and b-family. I just remain baffled as to why so many people seem turned off to (or confused by) the idea when I bring it up. I wonder if it has anything to do with a willingness to see and feel the hard/sad parts of adoption. Those parts are always there, but maybe it's easier to turn a blind eye to them in a closed adoption.
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