Open Adoption, Fears, and Blogging

My first blog, and my first time participating in the open adoption roundtable organized by Heather at Production Not Reproduction. Open Adoption Roundtable #31: With Halloween just around the corner, I thought this prompt would fit right in: Write about open adoption and being scared.

I've spent a good part (if not most) of my life working to overcome various fears, and today I officially begin conquering my fear of blogging. Now two years into an open adoption, I am in great debt to the many open adoption bloggers out there who have been willing to share their experiences - the good and the bad - and help me understand the complexities and rewards of open adoption. Without their wisdom to help guide me through some very challenging times, I think my family and I would be in a very different place - a place that fear would have driven us to.

I hope to one day tell the full story of our daughter's adoption, but for my first post I'm going to focus on the roundtable prompt -- "Write about open adoption and being scared."

Our adoption was closed for the first week. We wanted to meet our daughter's birthparents, but the agency told us that her birthmother wasn't ready. And then, a week later, she was. And then, suddenly, we were in an open adoption, and I was petrified. I had read about open adoption, I had a former colleague who was in an open adoption, but I didn't know what it would be like to really live an open adoption. I reached out for help - talked to friends of friends - and still wasn't sure what to make of it all. One adoptive father told me I didn't have to like my daughter's birthparents. (Apparently, he didn't like his.) That seemed hard to me. How could I build an intimate relationship with people I didn't like?

My fear was fueled by everyone around me. "Aren't you scared they'll want her back?" I still can't believe how many times I was asked that question. "I could never do that" was another comment echoed by many friends and family members. If none of them could do it, what makes me think that I can do it?

There was so much fear at the beginning of our adoption that at times I literally felt myself shaking. And the hardest part of it all was something I hadn't prepared myself for - the feelings of love and heart-break that I had when thinking about my daughter's birthparents. I wanted so much for them to be "okay" - more than okay, I yearned for them to be happy. I felt guilt that I had been part of something that I knew was causing them a tremendous amount of pain. I learned quickly that building a family through adoption is not the same as having biological children. And it has nothing to do with the love you feel toward your child - as a mother through birth and adoption, I know that for a fact. The difference is that there is so much loss in adoption, and I don't think anyone can fully understand how much that loss is felt until you see it firsthand.

Within a few months, I went from being afraid that my daughter's birthparents (and extended family) would be demanding weekly visits to being panicked that they wouldn't want to see us at all. I went from being afraid that every call and email was from them to hoping every call and email was from them. I went from being afraid that my daughter wouldn't bond with me to worrying that she wouldn't bond with her birthparents. It was truly a roller coaster of emotions.

Two and a half years into our open adoption, I now know that the road ahead will be filled with ups, downs, and some unexpected twists. We remain in contact with both of my daughter's birthparents as well as one of her grandmothers. We would like more visits and communication, but we understand that they have to take it at their own speed. I can honestly say that not a day goes by in which I don't think about my daughter's birthparents and wonder how they are doing. I look forward to our next visit with great anticipation, and do my best to help my daughter understand her story and how much she is loved by all of her family regardless of the way in which each of us is connected to her.

While those days of panic are behind me, I still live with many fears, or maybe worries is the better word. I worry her birthparents won't want to see us again. I worry my daughter will feel tremendous sadness and loss when she is old enough to understand her adoption. I worry that my family will never understand why openness in adoption is so important to me. I worry that I may be too consumed with the sadness. I worry that I am making mistakes -- trying to reach out too often, or not trying to reach out enough. I worry that so much of open adoption is not in my control.

But despite all these worries, I also remain optimistic that the bonds we have started to build will strengthen over time, and that we will have the determination to get through the hard times together. I wish I could remember where I read this statement, but someone once wrote, "You can choose to approach open adoption with love, or with fear." I'm so glad I chose love. It doesn't mean the fear goes away, or goes away forever, but when love motivates you to open your heart and your mind, I believe you will end up in a better place.