Interview with TG at I Should Really Be Working 2.0

I'm very excited to participate in the 2011 Interview Project organized by Heather at Production Not Reproduction.

The highlight of my albeit short blogging career thus far has been "meeting" my partner -- TG of I Should Really Be Working 2.0. TG is many things -- a first mom, a newlywed, an amazing writer, warm, witty, honest, insightful, and a downright nice person. Her first blog -- I Should Really Be Working -- focused primarily on her daughter Cupcake who was adopted by Dee. Before this interview project, I had read many of TG's contributions to the OA Roundtable and always found myself hanging on her every word, interested to see how her experience might impact my own. She isn't afraid to tackle complex topics and on several occasions her writing has prompted me to step outside my comfort zone, consider new possibilities, and look at things not from the perspective of an adoptive mother but rather from the perspective of a first mother. Another quality quite unique about TG ... she is REALLY funny. While reading through her blog to prepare for our interview, I did actually "LOL" many times.

While TG's original blog focused primarily on issues surrounding adoption, 2.0 covers more ground, including her relationship with and recent marriage to Long Board, wedding planning, in-laws, work, travel, and relationships in general. Without further ado, here is my interview with TG:

1. What has your communication with Dee and Cupcake been like since they moved east? Do you have any plans to get together for a visit?

Since Dee and Cupcake moved East, we’ve had pretty limited communication. Really, there has only been one email and that was in July. I know that I should email them post-wedding, but….I don’t know. It’s a kind of emotionally overwhelming email to write for some reason. (Okay, okay – “some reason?” – pretty sure I know the reason!) I definitely want to make that a priority, but there’s a mental roadblock sometimes when it comes to that since I just don’t feel like I’m the same priority. It’s fairly easy for me to fall into the trap of, “Well, they seem to be doing just fine without hearing from me, or reaching out to me – why mess up what’s working for them?” Ah, my days hosting the pity party are not over!!

2. I know that at certain points in your life many people in your family, including Long Board, didn't know about Cupcake. Who knows about Cupcake now? Of those people, have any of them met her?

The only person that’s in my family life that knows about Cupcake is Long Board. The rest of my family just….doesn’t. To be honest, my biggest hurdle is Mom. I just about lost my mind dealing with her over the wedding. She can be a wonderful, generous and loving woman, but she can also be like a dog with a bone. I don’t need Cupcake to be that bone. In order to get through the every day, I just need to be able to control when and how I talk about Cupcake. I would forfeit that entirely if my Mother was involved. And I’m just not ready to. I know that makes me a million ways selfish, and a ton of other adjectives I’m sure, but that’s where we are today.

I have told a couple of my close friends at work about Cupcake. They are appropriately respectful of my ownership of those conversations, and that’s been great.

Cupcake and Long Board have not met. As there aren’t plans for me to see Cupcake anytime soon, there aren’t plans for Long Board too either – though Dee has said that she’d be open to introducing the two of them. Though I don’t know when that would be, I do see it as a part of our future. 

3. How much is blogging a part of your life now? How does blogging now compare with blogging when you first started? Do you think you'll continue blogging in the foreseeable future?

When I first started blogging, it was something I needed. Something that served as a release for me. It gave me a place to get rid of all the crazy that was floating around in my head and process it. Today? It’s not as big a part of my life (as evidenced by the total lack of posts recently). I do still enjoy it, I’ve just become more guarded, and so less likely to post. Blogging has come back to bite me in the behind one too many times. Words have been twisted and people have taken things out of context and I just got exhausted with the whole thing. I’ve never completely bounced back from that I suppose. I would like to keep blogging, I just need to figure out what that looks like. I feel like I don’t know how to blog about adoption anymore…I could blog about the wedding, I could blog about my life, I anticipate blogging about future children, but adoption? Let me put it this way: For me, blogging about adoption was NOT like riding a bike.

4. What adoption-related issue are you most passionate about and why?

Oh dear…..I am afraid that there is JUST not enough space for this one!!!! BUT, I will suggest an alternate! What if we do a little – OA Roundtable part deux, and we BOTH answer and share each other’s answers. What do you think, huh? Huh? Huh??

[Ed. Note: I said "yes!"]

5. Do you think Dee has ever read your blog? If she hasn't (or you don't think she has), would you want her to?

I don’t think that she has. First, I don’t know if she knows that I blog. Second,I think she thought it was weird that I forum-ed, so not sure she’s all e-community friendly. Third, I just don’t think I’m on her radar enough that she would look for me. As for would I want her to…I guess not? I wouldn’t want her to be hurt by anything that I’ve said – though I’ve always tried to be totally respectful. So while I might not want her to, I wouldn’t freak or anything if she did. I always knew that would be a possibility and I’ve always been okay with that possible outcome.

6. If Dee and Cupcake had lived closer, do you think they would have come to your wedding?

Doubtful.

We’ve never done anything that wasn’t a “visit.” I don’t babysit Cupcake, I’ve never been to a little Christmas program that she’s been in, we’ve never done more than a couple hours together. I don’t see my wedding as being the next logical stepping stone. And I couldn’t have them there and NOT own up to who they are. I would NEVER do that. But selfishly, I’m not sure I could have dealt with MY whole family AND LB’s whole family AND throwing adoption into the mix as well. I wanted that day to be as stress free as possible, and I’m not sure that would have been the recipe I needed.

(PS This is the kind of stuff I’m afraid to say these days….it’s not pretty, but it’s honest. And somewhere in Cyberland flames have begun from this kindling).

7. If you had to pick one essential ingredient in a "healthy" open adoption, what would it be?

GAH! This is too hard. I wrote a whole spiel about communication and then scrapped it when I asked myself, “But what good is communication without respect??”Thinking about that, it seems to me that the most successful OA’s I know of have a foundation of mutual respect. And not always just “I respect you because you birthed my child.” Looking for the value the person has outside of that is important to me. Not just “I respect you because you’re raising our daughter.” Dig deeper. Value the person. Understand that they are more than just your child’s first parents or adoptive parents. Respect them, who they are, and the relationship you both have – and if you DO that, I believe the rest will come. Because you communicate with the people you respect. And you uphold promises to them. And you are honest with them. And those are all spices and herbs and other bad analogies in the recipe for a “healthy” open adoption.

8. Why do you think so many people in society aren't open to (or are confused by) open adoptions?

Are you ready for this? My answer is soooooo taboo. INSECURITIES. It’s a dirty word that I get in trouble for using, but I think a lot of it goes back to this. And I’m not just talking about the stereotypical aparent insecurities either. I’m talking about societal insecurities. You start “sharing roles” and people freak out. Hell, I’ve seen grandparents do it because they’re not the only grandma!But they can’t really argue against it, that other set of grandparents is right there! Can’t shut them out! So to INVITE another Mom/Dad into the equation? That’s some scary stuff! Society can’t or doesn’t want to handle it. And the best part is – open adoption is not about sharing a role!!! Cupcake totally 100% knows who her Mom is and who her first Mom is. Kids get this stuff. Adults? Too often the just reject it.

9. I know you have connected with other first moms in the blogger world. Have you connected with any in "face-to-face" life?

YES! I have connected with adoptees, adoptive parents and first Moms. :) I actually was even part of a “Moms Group” locally that were all made up of women that adopted their kids from the same agency that placed Cupcake. I would show up to our parties and events without a child and it was no biggie. I was one of the “Moms.” (It was very cool). I’ve been skiing with an adoptive Mom, to Disneyland with adoptive Moms (two – separate occasions), a Corner Bakery with one and don’t plan on stopping! I’ve had cocktails with one of my first Mom bestie’s and visited another while I was on a trip across the country. It’s been awesome to meet these women (and a fella or two ;)) and connect with them in person. I highly recommend it! Even if some people think you’re a little “off” for meeting “strangers” off the internet, haha!

10. Taking into account the physical distance, what is your "dream relationship" with Cupcake like -- both now and in the future?

I just don’t know….

Does it involve me winning the lottery? Can it? I suppose I feel like I just need to let what happens right now…happen. Eventually, I’d like to build a relationship with Cupcake. I still want to be involved with Dee, but I’d like me and Cupcake to start our one on one time before she’s 18 (pending she wants to, can “handle”it, all that jazz). I don’t know, maybe we can email someday, talk about school, life, boys. I won’t try to be a Mom, but maybe I can be like her kinda-cool aunt type figure in California. And then we won’t need to reunite and get to know each other from scratch. I’ve created amazing relationships based on email with wonderful people across the country. I’d love for more than that with Cupcake, but I think at the least that’s what I would want. 

11. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with Dee in which you've explained your frustration with some of the things she's said or done? If so, how did it go? If not, what is holding you back?

Fear. Yep. Totally worried about that. In the past, Dee was the key to visits, email, my everything with Cupcake. I didn’t want to freak her out. I didn’t want to cross a boundary. I think reading forums started to play some mind games with me too…I’d read about an incident that I thought was totally benign and see people freak out and start talking about establishing boundaries like yesterday and explaining to first Mom’s what’s what. I never wanted Dee to have to talk to me like that…talk down to me like that? I couldn’t handle it. So I took the chicken approach instead and didn’t rock the boat. Sure, I brought up little things – like when they were moving and I grew a pair and said I was disappointed that I found out on such short notice as planning a visit would be hard. I got a hand slap from some folks because I wasn’t understanding enough of the demands on Dee finding a job and moving and everything. The truth is, she’s been fairly receptive when I do bring stuff up, so when I don’t, it’s REALLY not her fault. It’s just a fear that I haven’t found a way to conquer yet.

12. While reading through your blog, I noticed that we have a shared love/hate relationship with reality television. My favorites are all of the Real Housewives (New York is at the top) and Survivor, although I watch many others. At the end of every summer, I swear that I will never again watch Big Brother, but I don't think I've missed a season yet. What are your favorites?

Okay, my favorite Reality Shows. I have a top 3, though one is "Real Housewives of _____ (fill in the blank)" so that's probably more than three on it's own! Long Board no longer allows New Jersey to be watched in our home, because they're just "too trainwrecky" so I am not caught up on them at all. But New York and Beverly Hills reign supreme! I did like DC (that Michaele Salahi was a MESS!) and have never watched a single episode of Atlanta OR Orange County.

To redeem myself for my RHOxx love, I also enjoy not so trashy shows like Top Chef. LOVE Top Chef actually. (The original, not so into "Just Desserts." We usually watch while eating something that Tom Colicchio have a heart attach, but maybe one day I'll learn something via osmosis....

And lastly, I CAN'T HELP IT. I say I'll never watch again, but darned if I get pulled in every time...but I SWEAR! Watching it is just a group activity that some friends and family enjoy together.....it's not me!!!! Every version of the Bachelor you can think of....Bachelor, Bachelorette, and yes, even Bachelor Pad. I just can't help it! I might need to seek help with these addictions :)