About a year and a half into our adoption, I decided to schedule a session with one of the counselors at C.A.S.E. (Center for Adoption Support and Education). We had zero support from our agency when it came to open adoption -- they essentially told us we were on our own, and when we pressed them for help, the "help" was so counterproductive that we quickly ran. When I made the appointment, I think I was seeking input from a professional because I wanted to know if I was doing things right when it came to our open adoption. I had learned so much from reading blogs and books and talking to friends of friends, but I yearned for a face-to-face conversation with a professional.
I spent the first part of the meeting telling the counselor our story, how we had applied to adopt from China, withdrew after several years of waiting, and then updated our homestudy for a domestic adoption on the off chance that our agency got a call from a local hospital, which happened (according to them) once every few years. We never thought it would actually happen, but then it did, and we were quickly thrust into a situation without any guidance from our agency. The counselor agreed that the agency was inept at best, but thought that everything that had transpired once we (G and I and Fiona and Nate) were on our own sounded very positive. Our adoption would definitely be described as very open, and while we've definitely hit some rough patches, we've built a solid relationship with one another that has helped us navigate through the tough times. We're family.
After I finished my story and she validated that things seemed to be going as well as could be expected, I suddenly broke down in tears, surprising even myself. It took me a while to compose myself and then, perhaps, I finally talked about what I think was really bothering me. I explained that every time we get together with Fiona and Nate, or even when we communicate, I'm fine during the visit and/or communication, but after it's over, I fall apart ... feeling very sad and depressed and sometimes crying for quite a while when I had time alone. The counselor asked me why. And then I said it out loud for the first time.
I see the three of them together -- Fiona, Nate, and Lily -- and I see the family that could have been. And it's heart-breaking. I feel the loss at such a deep level. And then I feel confused. If that loss didn't exist, then Lily wouldn't be my daughter ... so by feeling sad about their family that could have been, am I essentially feeling sad about the family that is -- my family. My daughter that wouldn't be my daughter if Fiona and Nate hadn't lost their daughter. It made my head hurt just saying the words.
The counselor then told me two things:
First, the fact that I feel, see, and recognize the loss is a quality that will make me a good adoptive mother as Lily gets older. She told me that most of the people she sees regularly are teenage adoptees who are struggling. And one of the main reasons they struggle is because their adoptive parents either don't get it -- they don't understand WHY their child feels a sense of loss -- and/or they take the child's feelings of loss as a sign of betrayal -- a sign that they, the adoptive parents, aren't good enough. The counselor pointed out that the feelings of confusion that I was having -- the deep sense of loss over the family that could have been juxtaposed with the pure joy I feel that Lily is my daughter -- is the same kind of conflicted emotions that adoptees have. I get it.
Secondly, she told me, just like adoptive parents who don't give their children room to grieve their loss, I need to be careful that I give Lily to space to feel whatever she feels. Certainly her adoption will affect her in some way -- that's a given -- but how it affects her, how she processes and views it (which could change at various points in her life) ... I need to be sure that I give her the space to feel what SHE feels, and it may not be the same way I feel. I understood what she said, and reading the writing of adult adoptees has definitely helped me understand that no two people will ever feel the same way, and I need to support Lily wherever she is with her feelings at any given time. As with everything, I will always do my best to do right by Lily, but it struck me right then and there that if she doesn't end up having a good relationship with Fiona and Nate (or if she feels angry with them or even neutral/nothing toward them) ... it will be hard for me.
Nate and Fiona came over last month and I took what I think is the most amazing picture of the three of them. It's adorable and perfect and I love looking at it. Sometimes I look at it and start to cry. And then out of nowhere Lily jumps into my arms and we roll around and tickle and laugh ... her laugh is so happy and pure and I just want to bottle it up. And I feel myself smiling from ear to ear with the teardrops still sitting in my eyes.
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