Open Adoption Roundtable #34

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them. Here is the most recent question posed at Production Not Reproduction. You can read more responses by clicking here.

This roundtable prompt comes from a first mom in an open adoption who no longer blogs but wanted to hear what others had to say on the topic.

She was thinking about her reasons for placing her daughter and how she handles sharing (or not) that information with the people in her life. She realized that her daughter's adoptive parents were often asked that same question by people (i.e. why she chose to place) and she wondered how they answered. This started her thinking about how others handle that choice of what to share and whom to share it with, especially when they are asked to speak on behalf of another party in their open adoptions.

It is likely that we've all had that experience at some time: someone asking us to speak to the choices or feelings of others in our adoption constellation. Perhaps it is someone asking a first parent how their child feels about being in an open adoption. Or someone asking an adoptee why their adoptive parents chose to adopt. You get the idea.

How do you handle such questions when they are asked of you? How would you want the other parties in your open adoption to handle those questions when they are about you?

Lily's adoption doesn't exist in a vacuum. I don't have an envelope or box of secret information that I will reveal to her at age-appropriate times. We have a very open adoption with Lily's first family. Many of them live within 10-15 minutes of our home and visit with us often. Lily's first grandmother has been to our house three times this month (and I think she'll be here again for our Super Bowl party on Sunday). Members of Lily's first family have shared information with members of my family and G's family -- information that I didn't even know. When we first got the call about Lily (the day after she was born) and I was scribbling down notes as the agency social worker explained the situation, my in-laws were at my house (visiting from out of town) and within ear shot of my conversation with the social worker and then my conversation with G. My point is that a lot of information surrounding Lily's adoption is "out there" -- information about me and G, and information about Fiona and Nate. I say it's "out there" in the same way that information about me and my two sisters is "out there" among members of our immediate and extended families. When an open adoption does become fully integrated, I think there's less of a decision as to what to share and with whom because information within many families and circles of close friends flows freely.

When we first met, Fiona asked us why we chose adoption and I explained our struggles with fertility and the fact that we had conceived Ferb through IVF. If a member of Fiona's family or a friend of hers asked her that same question about us, it would not bother me at all if she gave them the answer. As an advocate of open adoption, I believe it's important to share information -- to educate society about what open adoption means, how it works, and how it can have an incredibly positive impact on all members of the triad, but particularly the adoptee. I also think that by being open when people ask us sincere questions, we are removing the taboo associated with adoption. I would never share information about Fiona or Nate if I thought the person asking had bad intentions or would use that information in a negative way. And if you ask anyone who knows me, they will tell you that I simply can't talk about Fiona or Nate without going on and on about what amazing people they are. There are aspects of our relationship that go beyond the fact that we share a daughter, and I love both of them as individuals.

The question I get asked most frequently -- and I believe it's because people I talk to are making an effort to really "understand" open adoption -- is whether it's hard for Fiona and Nate to see Lily and then say good-bye to her. I usually answer the question this way: "I can't imagine that it isn't hard for them. It must be. But they are incredibly strong people who love Lily as much as G and I do, and I know they would make any sacrifice for her and do things for her even if it's hard for them. They handle every visit with an incredible amount of grace, but in my gut, I know it's hard for them."

I will say that in the almost three years since our adoption, only one "stranger" asked us a question that made me uncomfortable. It happened when Lily was only a few months old. (I recently mentioned it this post.) We have a transracial adoption and it's clear that Lily was adopted, but I can only think of few instances when a stranger asked me a question about our adoption, and in all of those cases, the people asking were also adoptive parents and the questions were not directly about Fiona or Nate.