Adoption Blogger Interview Project

I started my blog last year because I wanted to participate in the Interview Project organized by Heather at Production not Reproduction. I had a great experience last year, and another fantastic experience this year. I was very fortunate to be paired with the blogging pioneer who writes American Family. I had read her blog before and thoroughly enjoyed her writing style, insights, and humor. She is one of the few bloggers I know who has an open adoption with her daughter’s birth family in China. Her blog and her answers to my questions should be read by anyone considering searching for their child’s birth family in China. She tells it like it is and doesn’t gloss over the hard parts. She writes about M, her daughter through birth; L, her daughter through adoption; and Mr. A, her husband. You can check out her interview of me here. Happy reading!

1) In a blog ("Today") from April 2011, you wrote this: "I was afraid when we met [L's first parents] I would feel jealous of their biological bond. I was afraid she would feel more theirs than mine. Now that we know them, it turns out that I don’t feel jealous at all. In Reunion, I feel their loss magnified by my everyday life with L." Is this still an accurate reflection of your feelings? How does knowing L's first parents impact your day-to-day life?

I don't know. It has been about a 1.75 years since we last saw L's family and nearly 2 years since we located them. Things have...settled down, I guess.

2) What is one piece of advice you would give to other adoptive parents who want to search for their child's Chinese parents?

This is a hard question because I am torn between thinking most adoptive parents should not search and feeling it is a massively bad decision if they don't. (Yes, I realize this is completely hypocritical!)

Given how hard building this relationship has been for *me* and the ways our situations is a best case scenario, I tend to think that maybe it is best to leave things be for most American adoptive families. In our case, Mr. A speaks some Chinese, we are already somewhat used to dealing with Chinese culture in our extended family, the birth family loves and accepts L and our family, we all want what is best for L, their exposure to western culture, their (lower) middle class status...none of these things are necessarily typical and all of them have a huge impact on our ability to manage our openness.

Opening L's adoption has been incredibly emotionally challenging for both families. To get through the hard times, it takes unwavering commitment. So many adoptive parents start searching without thinking through the long-term ramifications, it makes me very, very worried. If we are a best case scenario and I was as prepared for openness as I could be (we are and I think I was), what will happen in the worst-case scenarios where adoptive parents are not at all prepared?

We owe it to our children to not screw this up for them and screwing it up would be very, very easy to do. Open domestic adoptions are difficult enough, but openness when you are trying to bridge language and culture and class? It is a massive undertaking.

On the other hand, if we don't search early, the odds of our children ever finding their birth families drop drastically. If our children happen to be the ones for whom Knowing is a burning desire, what if our delay or reluctance to search costs them that option? This conflict is something I try to talk about when I get asked to talk about open international adoption. Adoptive parents don't necessarily want to hear it.

My best advice is EDUCATE YOURSELF. You have to believe without a doubt that openness and knowledge is better for your child. You have to commit to the long-term even though the short-term is hard. You have to know that searching won't take away the pain and loss of adoption, it only adds different losses. You have to know that you will be responsible for maintaining contact and building a relationship on your child's behalf, even it if is hard for you. Then when your child gets older, you will have to get out of the way.

Another thing adoptive parents need to know is there is no easy way to search. You can't just pay someone to search for you and expect to be successful. It has happened a few times, but it is RARE. If you want the easy way out, you probably shouldn't search at all because the search is what prepares you for what happens next. You need to build local contacts and begin dealing with actual Chinese people. If you aren't comfortable putting yourself out there, how are you going to build a relationship with total strangers who are also your child's parents?

Finally, my advice is also that the adoptive parents' choice to search does not make them the owners of the information they find. This information belongs to our children. It is *their* story--even the bad parts. There are people who are profiting from searching in China who promote searching and then withholding the information that is found from adopted children until they specifically request it. I find this appalling on so many levels.

One reason we searched was because I wanted L to know she could trust us. I wanted her to know I our love for each other does not depend on the removal of her first family from her heart or her life. My love is not conditional on me being her only mother. By sharing her history with her, I am telling her there is nothing shameful about her story, the way she joined our family or where and who she came from.

L's place in our family is not what keeps her from her birth family, she is the person who brings us together. Her family is OUR family.

Sorry for the very long response. I can't really give one piece of advice, because I have too much to say about this topic.

3) You are raising one child who came to you through birth and another who came to you through adoption. How has this impacted your view of the nature v. nurture argument? Has meeting L's first parents helped you better understand your daughter in any ways?

M, my biological daughter, has always been very much like I was at her age so I can see the nature written all over her. L (adopted daughter) has always been her own glorious self which comes from somewhere or someone other than me. M reads, L draws. M is uncoordinated, L runs like she has been training since she was two. L love sparkly girly clothes, M is pushing the envelope if she wears a tshirt with a picture on it. They are just very different girls. Then again, my sister and I were always like night and day and we shared genes and grew up in the same house, so who can say what the real reason is?

I do wonder how different L would be if she were raised with her birth family or with another adoptive family. Is she naturally this funny or do we bring it out of her because funny is clearly a quality we value? If she grew up in a more athletic family, would she be some kind of peewee league phenom? Her mom was pretty quiet when we met and her dad was obviously very charismatic. I can see both those qualities in L.

While it isn't exactly what you asked, I will admit that meeting L's birth family gave me a lot of peace of mind about her size. She came to us in the 50%ile and she was quite chubby. After about 6 months, she started falling down the growth chart and ended up around the 10th%ile after wearing size 3 clothes for three years. (She is barely a 5 slim now at 6.5). I used to fret about this, because who comes home from an orphanage and shrinks?? Now that we met L's parents, I know for a fact she gets her body type from her baba. He is small and wirey and terribly handsome, just like L. Her little brother was also a chubby cheeked guy when we met him. I haven't seen pictures lately, but I would be willing to bet he has slimmed down in the past two years too.

4) You are a blogging "pioneer," having written your first blog post back in 2003. You write that you are now considering ending your blog. How has blogging impacted your life over the last nine years?

By far, the most important thing I got out of all this blogging was really great friends. I have friends both here and far away who I met through my blog. When you meet someone in real life who has already read the nitty gritty deep dark secrets of your psyche, it cuts through the bullshit formality pretty quickly. Most of my good post-childbearing friends are somehow connected to me through my blog (or through someone else who I met through my blog). I am never would have predicted it, but the people inside my computer have changed my life for the better in immeasurable ways.

5) What are some of the highlights and low points of yor blogging career? What will you miss most if/when you stop blogging?

The low point was the time my homestudy got put on hold because some jerkface called my agency to say I was inappropriate on my blog. Those were fun times. (http://american-family.org/2007/03/23/backtracking/)

I think this post was one of the highlights ( http://american-family.org/2011/01/30/answer/ ) It is moments like that will make me miss blogging. I wouldn't remember that moment so clearly if I hadn't written it down.

That post changed lives too. When I wrote about the reunion and showed that photo of L in her mama's arms, things started to shift. My blog is only read by a small number of people, but it only takes a few seeds for a movement to begin. Sharing our story has been hard, but I hope my honesty has helped those searching be prepared for what happens next.

6) What are the most challenging aspects of raising children of a different race? How have you dealt with these challenges?

I think the hardest part is knowing I can't walk through this world for my children. They have to go on this journey in the skins they were born in. Sometimes the world is not going to be kind to them and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I try to give them the tools they need to feel good in their own skin, to fit in with others who share their experiences and help them be proud of who they are.

I also lean heavily on Mr. A's experiences as an Asian American and follow his lead when I can. For example, today we were listening to Gangnam Style in the car. We all talked about how amazing it is to Mr. A that a Korean song is on the radio in America in his lifetime. The girls were surprised to hear that Asians were not so common where Mr. A grew up. We talked about some of the reasons that was hard for him and how he got through it. I am so grateful the girls have Mr. A to relate to. He can give them something I just can't, no matter how much I try.

7) Has anyone or anything ever made you question whether you made the right decision in searching for L's parents? If so, how did you deal with the uncertainty?

When I was struggling with the ways open adoption changed my life, I regretted searching. Honestly, though, that was just me selfishly wanting my life to go back to normal. Now that things have settled down, we have a new normal and I don't regret it at all.

Even in my darkest, complainingest days, I knew we did the right thing by searching. I believe that our decision might have changed the whole trajectory of L's life. It also gave comfort to her parents who had no idea what might have happened to her. As a mother, the idea of not knowing where my children were or if they were safe haunted me and was one reason I searched.

Both L and her family still have the burden of distance and loss, but now they have the peace of mind of knowing at least they are all safe. L will know the Whys of her story, even if she can never understand them. She will deal with one heartbreaking story rather than 50 possible heartbreaking stories. I hope L will not be afraid that wanting to know her birth family or loving them will cause pain to Mr. A or myself.

I know it was the right decision to search because we were successful. Knowing what I know now about the path we followed to find L's family and their personal circumstances, I know that a successful search would have been much much more difficult in 10, 20 or 30 years. The decision to not search could have sentenced her to never knowing her family or why she didn't remain with them.

Most of all, I know that it was the right choice because L's parents love her. She has a right to know it. More than anything else, that is what searching gave us all. They love her and miss her. She deserves all the love in the world. I am glad we could give them to her while she is still young enough to accept their love, without the complexities that will come from negotiating adoption issues later.

8) If you had a day all to yourself and could do anything you wanted to do, what would your day look like?

Since both girls are finally in school full-time, I am pretty much left to my own devices on a typical weekday. As an introvert, I feel like I have died and gone to heaven now that no one is up in my business all the time!

I like to get up and have a nice long cup of hot coffee and listen to NPR. Some days I run on the treadmill. Then I generally putter around the house and get stuff done. I also really like to read (mostly nonfiction) and watch TV (documentaries or British TV seem to be on heavy rotation lately). On a really lovely day, I convince a friend to go out for lunch. I am a simple girl who likes peace and quiet.

If we were talking about a fantasy day, this would all take place in a hotel room where I was able to sleep in a giant bed comfortable bed all by myself.

9) I love your attitude of "live and let live" and "to each his/her own" ... it comes across very clearly in your writing. Is there any position on an adoption-related topic that makes you feel compelled to tell someone they have it wrong?

I think I must come across as "to each his own" on my blog now because I have been doing this for so long. I have long given up trying to make people in the computer understand why I think I am right. It is just a waste of energy!

In real life, I am pretty judgmental. I am an INTJ personality type. I was reading about my type and came across this: " Thinkers usually have trouble interacting with people who are inconsistent or illogical, and tend to give very direct feedback to others. They are concerned with the truth and view it as more important than being tactful." I am logical and I research obsessively. Once I gather information, I decide what I believe based on evidence and that is that.

People on the internet are illogical and it is true that I am not always tactful when I believe someone else is wrong, so it is easier to not say anything. I read other blogs and see adoptive parents making the same stupid mistakes and making terrible parenting decisions. They have been doing the same dumb stuff for the past 10 years. When you blog, people come to pick arguments, people are critical, people write all kinds of stupid stuff in the comments that are annoying. (Other people are also wonderfully kind and supportive in the comments, too.) I can be that person or I can just move on with my life.

I am too tired to fight those kinds of battles any more. I am also at the point where I know that what I don't know is huge too. I would say this is part of the reason I am done blogging. My attitude is "Go ahead, screw up your own kids. I am too busy trying not to screw up mine to care!"

I do kind of miss the good old days when I could fire up a big rant about someone else, but I am just not that into it any more.

10) In "My 122 Things" (which I love!), you end with these three items:

120. So now I am trying to figure out if there is another Big Thing in the future.

121. I don’t feel like a need a Big Thing so much any more, so maybe not.
122. All my Little Things, they might just be enough.

It looks like you last updated this list in March of 2011. It's now November 2012. Are all of your Little Things turning out to be enough? Is there another Big Thing?

Oh, I think there will always have to be a Next Big Thing or maybe several smaller biggish things for me. I don't know what the heck I was thinking when I wrote that! I think I was mourning the loss of moving to China as a possible Next Big Thing. It wasn't meant to be and I was bummed.

Right now, the Next Big Thing is definitely building our new house. We bought our last house because it had an attached vacant lot in the perfect location. I spent two years updating the old house and we sold it this summer. Now we are living in a rental house while we save up a wad of money to pay for the new house. Building is apparently very expensive (!).

This is the boring time of the Next Big Thing for me: the preparation. I have a jar of 600 stones and I get to remove one each time we save $150. Once the jar is empty, we get to start building. The beads are still at the top of the jar, so it will be a while! In the meantime, I obsessively draw house plans and look at house building information on the internet and in books. Mr. A is not looking forward to the building process at all. I kind of dread it myself, but this is the house I want to live in until I am old and in a nursing home, so we will try to get it right.