My parents married when they were 21 years old and my mother got pregnant with me on their honeymoon. When I was born, I had four grandparents and seven great-grandparents, all of whom lived nearby and were a big part of my life. Two more girls followed -- one three years later, and one seven years later -- and outward appearances showed a perfect little family. But the inside story was much different. My mother was depressed. When she wasn't angry at me or my sisters, she was by herself in her room with the door closed. My father was sweet to us but passive aggressive toward my mother, and the two of them fought constantly. I often turned up my music to drown out the yelling. I was relieved when my father finally left my mother when I was 16 years old. I wanted to escape, too.
What I didn't realize at the time was that my father had found another family to join, and there wasn't room in that family for me. My parents were only in their late 30s at the time, and each decided to start a new life. My sisters and I couldn't find a place in either one. Our large extended family split in half -- there was anger and resentment on both sides -- and the people who I always believed loved each other suddenly hated each other, and they let me know about it. I couldn't spent time with either side of the family without someone trying to convince me that the other parent was a monster. I don't think my brain knew how to process this sudden rip in my world, so I turned to food to get me through it. As long as I was eating, I wasn't feeling. It wasn't until my mid-20s when I finally dealt with my grief and began the process of forgiving my parents for what I now see as their own shortcomings. The little me thought it was all about me. The grown-up me learned it was all about them. I stopped turning to food for comfort. I found healthy ways to deal with stress.
I was in my early 30s when I first learned about our major fertility problem and first started exploring adoption. Open adoption wasn't as widespread as it is today, but it was becoming more and more the norm. When I first heard about open adoption, I was brought back to my own childhood. I imagined an adopted child that would feel torn between two families, each family resenting the other, each family looking for more loyalty, each family finding new reasons to feel betrayed. That was my life, and there was no way I was going to put a child through that. No way at all.
Then, when I was 38, I unexpectedly found myself in an open adoption a week after Lily was born and placed with us. That probably sounds weird, but the circumstances that led to our adoption and then our open adoption were unusual and unexpected. At the beginning, the 16-year-old inside of was begging me to stop. Don't do it. We can't go through this again. But I was a different person with more resources, more experience, more insight, more determination. I would find a way to make this work. When I couldn't find anyone in my real life to give me guidance, I turned to the Internet and found the people I had been looking for. Heather at Production Not Reproduction wrote about the concept of family integration -- the idea that birth families and adoptive families could become intertwined, a different but equally important kind of extended family. I believed I could make that work, and I started at it. We're two and a half years into the journey, and while it hasn't been easy, it's been the most rewarding experience of my life. It's a work in progress, but we do make progress, and I see it.
We saw Fiona and Nate, Lily's first parents, last Saturday. They came to our house for a visit, and I'd have to say it was our best visit yet. It was comfortable and fun. We played, we ate, we talked about silly things and important things. We found more areas we have in common. We watched Lily in amazement. We listened to her contagious laugh. We watched Ferb and Lily go from playing to fighting to playing again. It felt like family, only better. The bond I feel with Fiona and Nate - in some ways - is even stronger than the bond I feel with my immediate family. Their hugs and the things they said made me believe that their love for me is real, too. I was filled with happiness when they left.
A few days later, I found one of my all-time favorite movies on HBO -- "Crimes and Misdemeanors." It's a story of questions about morality with no finite answers. Interspersed throughout the movie are a series of interviews with a fictitious professor who is based on a real person, and something he said really caught my attention. I was able to find the exact quote online:
“You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that when we fall in love we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand we ask of our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted on us. So that love contains in it a contradiction, the attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.”
I've written before about my intense desire to keep our adoption open and healthy. I believe that is what will make Lily feel most whole and complete. However, after hearing this, I started to wonder -- is my desire to sew together so tightly Lily's adoptive family and birth family also an effort to undo the hurt I felt as a child?
I know I want the best for Lily. I know I would walk across hot coals for her. I know my love for Fiona and Nate is real. And I know that - like many parents - I don't want to repeat the mistakes my parents made. I want to protect Lily from the pain that I felt as a child. But we are the sum of our experiences, and perhaps I also need to make sure I don't project my own past into the situation. It's different, and I need to remember that.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Attachment
In the adoption world, attachment usually refers to the attachment between a child and a parent, but I'm actually thinking today about my attachment to Fiona and Nate, my daughter's first parents. Early on, I was fairly open with my friends and family about how much I cared about Fiona and Nate. My feelings were met with resistance, and comments I received ranged from "don't let them get too close" to "everyone needs to move on." I pushed back when I got those kinds of comments, but I also stopped talking about Fiona and Nate as much as I had at the beginning. When I do talk about them now, people know better than to try to convince me my relationship with them is wrong; instead, I receive nods and lots of "uh-huh"s.
The truth is, I think about Fiona and Nate every day. I worry about them. I wonder how they're doing. I have an intense need -- and it is my own need -- to know they are okay. They are struggling right now, and I really want to help them. But there's no real way for me to help them. I can continue to show them my love, but somehow that falls short in my mind. Theoretically, there may be ways I could help them, but when I think intellectually and not emotionally, I know that kind of helping wouldn't be appropriate or good for any of us in the long run. So I just stew in my head.
I've come to understand that until someone relinquishes their child to you, there's just no way to understand the bond that can exist between a birth parent and an adoptive parent. I have two younger sisters who I feel very maternal toward, and if I had to compare the way I feel toward Fiona and Nate, it would be closest to the way I feel about my younger sisters with a dash of the way I feel about my kids. It's a complicated feeling that even I don't fully understand despite my constant reflection on it.
I've read blog comments that theorize that sometimes adoptive parents are more "comfortable" if the first parents maintain an unstable life that would make it difficult for them to raise a child. That, the theory continues, would further validate the need for the adoption and therefore validate the need for the adoptive parents. When I read that, I wondered if in some deep part of my subconscious I felt that way. But as I watch Fiona and Nate struggle and feel helpless in helping them, I'm pretty sure that I receive no reassurance from their instability. It just makes me sad and frustrated.
G doesn't have the same attachment to Fiona and Nate as I do. He likes them, he's very friendly with them when we all get together, but I don't think they really cross his mind unless I bring them up -- which I don't do very often even though I'm thinking about them constantly. Part of that is G's personality. He's very social and loves being around family and friends, but he rarely initiates plans or picks up the phone to call anyone.
I do wonder if I will ever "move on" - meaning I wonder if there will be a time when I don't think about them constantly. Sometimes, I worry that my attachment to them is unhealthy, and that it could impact Lily as she gets older. Will she worry about them too? Will she worry about me worrying about them? Just more for me to worry about, I suppose.
The truth is, I think about Fiona and Nate every day. I worry about them. I wonder how they're doing. I have an intense need -- and it is my own need -- to know they are okay. They are struggling right now, and I really want to help them. But there's no real way for me to help them. I can continue to show them my love, but somehow that falls short in my mind. Theoretically, there may be ways I could help them, but when I think intellectually and not emotionally, I know that kind of helping wouldn't be appropriate or good for any of us in the long run. So I just stew in my head.
I've come to understand that until someone relinquishes their child to you, there's just no way to understand the bond that can exist between a birth parent and an adoptive parent. I have two younger sisters who I feel very maternal toward, and if I had to compare the way I feel toward Fiona and Nate, it would be closest to the way I feel about my younger sisters with a dash of the way I feel about my kids. It's a complicated feeling that even I don't fully understand despite my constant reflection on it.
I've read blog comments that theorize that sometimes adoptive parents are more "comfortable" if the first parents maintain an unstable life that would make it difficult for them to raise a child. That, the theory continues, would further validate the need for the adoption and therefore validate the need for the adoptive parents. When I read that, I wondered if in some deep part of my subconscious I felt that way. But as I watch Fiona and Nate struggle and feel helpless in helping them, I'm pretty sure that I receive no reassurance from their instability. It just makes me sad and frustrated.
G doesn't have the same attachment to Fiona and Nate as I do. He likes them, he's very friendly with them when we all get together, but I don't think they really cross his mind unless I bring them up -- which I don't do very often even though I'm thinking about them constantly. Part of that is G's personality. He's very social and loves being around family and friends, but he rarely initiates plans or picks up the phone to call anyone.
I do wonder if I will ever "move on" - meaning I wonder if there will be a time when I don't think about them constantly. Sometimes, I worry that my attachment to them is unhealthy, and that it could impact Lily as she gets older. Will she worry about them too? Will she worry about me worrying about them? Just more for me to worry about, I suppose.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Last Night
Last night Ferb and Lily were playing together, basically chasing each other around the house and laughing. When they stopped, Ferb said this: "Even though Lily was adopted, when I look at her, it's like looking in the mirror."
G and I were stunned. How does Ferb come up with these things? I can't quite figure it out, but I'm not going to complain. We are two very lucky parents.
G and I were stunned. How does Ferb come up with these things? I can't quite figure it out, but I'm not going to complain. We are two very lucky parents.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Open Adoption Roundtable #32
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community.
Open Adoption Roundtable #32: Share a holiday memory that involves open adoption.
This will be Lily's third Christmas, and our third Christmas in an open adoption. While we never created a formal open adoption plan with Fiona and Nate, we did at some point agree that we always wanted to get together on or around Lily's birthday and on or around Christmas. Our first visit outside of the adoption agency was in December 2009 when Lily was around six months old. I wrote about that visit and how Ferb's conversation with Nate was a turning point in our open adoption.
There's another holiday memory that stands out to me, too. It was last Christmas; Fiona and Nate came over to our house a few days after Christmas. We exchanged gifts (as we had the year before), only this year Fiona and Nate also brought gifts for Ferb, which I thought was incredibly sweet. Ferb LOVES animals, and Fiona and Nate got him two animal-themed gifts, including a Smithsonian animal book that became Ferb's absolute favorite. He went through a phase where he refused to leave the house without the book -- and it's a BIG book!
But what really stands out about this visit was one of the gifts they gave to Lily. It was a pink, heart-shaped jewelry box, and when you open it up, it plays music and a little ballerina figure spins around inside. I remember when Lily opened the box. The music was kind of melancholy, so I got a little choked up as soon as I heard it. Lily was really mesmerized by it, and we all sat in silence watching her watch the ballerina. While we were all looking at Lily, Fiona said that she had one just like it when she was a little girl. And suddenly I could picture little girl Fiona looking at her own ballerina twirl around inside the pink, heart-shaped jewelry box. Tears welled up in my eyes, but I didn't let them come out. Now, I'm not feeling quite as strong.
Open Adoption Roundtable #32: Share a holiday memory that involves open adoption.
This will be Lily's third Christmas, and our third Christmas in an open adoption. While we never created a formal open adoption plan with Fiona and Nate, we did at some point agree that we always wanted to get together on or around Lily's birthday and on or around Christmas. Our first visit outside of the adoption agency was in December 2009 when Lily was around six months old. I wrote about that visit and how Ferb's conversation with Nate was a turning point in our open adoption.
There's another holiday memory that stands out to me, too. It was last Christmas; Fiona and Nate came over to our house a few days after Christmas. We exchanged gifts (as we had the year before), only this year Fiona and Nate also brought gifts for Ferb, which I thought was incredibly sweet. Ferb LOVES animals, and Fiona and Nate got him two animal-themed gifts, including a Smithsonian animal book that became Ferb's absolute favorite. He went through a phase where he refused to leave the house without the book -- and it's a BIG book!
But what really stands out about this visit was one of the gifts they gave to Lily. It was a pink, heart-shaped jewelry box, and when you open it up, it plays music and a little ballerina figure spins around inside. I remember when Lily opened the box. The music was kind of melancholy, so I got a little choked up as soon as I heard it. Lily was really mesmerized by it, and we all sat in silence watching her watch the ballerina. While we were all looking at Lily, Fiona said that she had one just like it when she was a little girl. And suddenly I could picture little girl Fiona looking at her own ballerina twirl around inside the pink, heart-shaped jewelry box. Tears welled up in my eyes, but I didn't let them come out. Now, I'm not feeling quite as strong.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
I'd Do It All Over Again, But It Still Hurts
I started this blog as a way to connect to the open adoption community - a supportive community I couldn't find in my face-to-face life. But today I'm using my blog for another purpose, to try to work through and process my feelings and better understand myself.
Infertility is one of those painful experiences that you can actually grow to be grateful for. If it weren't for our infertility, we'd have two other kids who would now be around 10 and 8. There would be no Ferb. There would still be a Lily, but she wouldn't be our daughter. We wouldn't even know she existed. As trying as it was to build our family - and there were some very dark days for me - I would do it all over again if I had to. I wouldn't trade anything for Ferb and Lily. They are my life, and I just can't imagine living without them. Thank God we were infertile.
There are so many things worse than not being able to get pregnant. Too many to name. I've felt a lot of guilt for the sadness I've felt for myself knowing that there are so many people out there dealing with problems much worse them mine. I could never quite accept why it was so hard for me to accept that G and I couldn't have a baby naturally.
The Fertilityland experts write about how infertility is always a part of you, no matter how many children you go on to parent. Sometimes you think the pain has gone away and then something happens and it rears its ugly head and stares your down until you're in tears. I guess that's happening to me right now. A family member recently announced her pregnancy (one of those "we look and each other and I'm pregnant!"), and I'm feeling sad and bitter for no good reason. And when I say "no good reason," I really do mean it. I'm trying my best to snap out of it.
Infertility is one of those painful experiences that you can actually grow to be grateful for. If it weren't for our infertility, we'd have two other kids who would now be around 10 and 8. There would be no Ferb. There would still be a Lily, but she wouldn't be our daughter. We wouldn't even know she existed. As trying as it was to build our family - and there were some very dark days for me - I would do it all over again if I had to. I wouldn't trade anything for Ferb and Lily. They are my life, and I just can't imagine living without them. Thank God we were infertile.
There are so many things worse than not being able to get pregnant. Too many to name. I've felt a lot of guilt for the sadness I've felt for myself knowing that there are so many people out there dealing with problems much worse them mine. I could never quite accept why it was so hard for me to accept that G and I couldn't have a baby naturally.
The Fertilityland experts write about how infertility is always a part of you, no matter how many children you go on to parent. Sometimes you think the pain has gone away and then something happens and it rears its ugly head and stares your down until you're in tears. I guess that's happening to me right now. A family member recently announced her pregnancy (one of those "we look and each other and I'm pregnant!"), and I'm feeling sad and bitter for no good reason. And when I say "no good reason," I really do mean it. I'm trying my best to snap out of it.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Interview with TG at I Should Really Be Working 2.0
I'm very excited to participate in the 2011 Interview Project organized by Heather at Production Not Reproduction.
The highlight of my albeit short blogging career thus far has been "meeting" my partner -- TG of I Should Really Be Working 2.0. TG is many things -- a first mom, a newlywed, an amazing writer, warm, witty, honest, insightful, and a downright nice person. Her first blog -- I Should Really Be Working -- focused primarily on her daughter Cupcake who was adopted by Dee. Before this interview project, I had read many of TG's contributions to the OA Roundtable and always found myself hanging on her every word, interested to see how her experience might impact my own. She isn't afraid to tackle complex topics and on several occasions her writing has prompted me to step outside my comfort zone, consider new possibilities, and look at things not from the perspective of an adoptive mother but rather from the perspective of a first mother. Another quality quite unique about TG ... she is REALLY funny. While reading through her blog to prepare for our interview, I did actually "LOL" many times.
While TG's original blog focused primarily on issues surrounding adoption, 2.0 covers more ground, including her relationship with and recent marriage to Long Board, wedding planning, in-laws, work, travel, and relationships in general. Without further ado, here is my interview with TG:
1. What has your communication with Dee and Cupcake been like since they moved east? Do you have any plans to get together for a visit?
Since Dee and Cupcake moved East, we’ve had pretty limited communication. Really, there has only been one email and that was in July. I know that I should email them post-wedding, but….I don’t know. It’s a kind of emotionally overwhelming email to write for some reason. (Okay, okay – “some reason?” – pretty sure I know the reason!) I definitely want to make that a priority, but there’s a mental roadblock sometimes when it comes to that since I just don’t feel like I’m the same priority. It’s fairly easy for me to fall into the trap of, “Well, they seem to be doing just fine without hearing from me, or reaching out to me – why mess up what’s working for them?” Ah, my days hosting the pity party are not over!!
2. I know that at certain points in your life many people in your family, including Long Board, didn't know about Cupcake. Who knows about Cupcake now? Of those people, have any of them met her?
The only person that’s in my family life that knows about Cupcake is Long Board. The rest of my family just….doesn’t. To be honest, my biggest hurdle is Mom. I just about lost my mind dealing with her over the wedding. She can be a wonderful, generous and loving woman, but she can also be like a dog with a bone. I don’t need Cupcake to be that bone. In order to get through the every day, I just need to be able to control when and how I talk about Cupcake. I would forfeit that entirely if my Mother was involved. And I’m just not ready to. I know that makes me a million ways selfish, and a ton of other adjectives I’m sure, but that’s where we are today.
I have told a couple of my close friends at work about Cupcake. They are appropriately respectful of my ownership of those conversations, and that’s been great.
Cupcake and Long Board have not met. As there aren’t plans for me to see Cupcake anytime soon, there aren’t plans for Long Board too either – though Dee has said that she’d be open to introducing the two of them. Though I don’t know when that would be, I do see it as a part of our future.
3. How much is blogging a part of your life now? How does blogging now compare with blogging when you first started? Do you think you'll continue blogging in the foreseeable future?
When I first started blogging, it was something I needed. Something that served as a release for me. It gave me a place to get rid of all the crazy that was floating around in my head and process it. Today? It’s not as big a part of my life (as evidenced by the total lack of posts recently). I do still enjoy it, I’ve just become more guarded, and so less likely to post. Blogging has come back to bite me in the behind one too many times. Words have been twisted and people have taken things out of context and I just got exhausted with the whole thing. I’ve never completely bounced back from that I suppose. I would like to keep blogging, I just need to figure out what that looks like. I feel like I don’t know how to blog about adoption anymore…I could blog about the wedding, I could blog about my life, I anticipate blogging about future children, but adoption? Let me put it this way: For me, blogging about adoption was NOT like riding a bike.
4. What adoption-related issue are you most passionate about and why?
Oh dear…..I am afraid that there is JUST not enough space for this one!!!! BUT, I will suggest an alternate! What if we do a little – OA Roundtable part deux, and we BOTH answer and share each other’s answers. What do you think, huh? Huh? Huh??
[Ed. Note: I said "yes!"]
5. Do you think Dee has ever read your blog? If she hasn't (or you don't think she has), would you want her to?
I don’t think that she has. First, I don’t know if she knows that I blog. Second,I think she thought it was weird that I forum-ed, so not sure she’s all e-community friendly. Third, I just don’t think I’m on her radar enough that she would look for me. As for would I want her to…I guess not? I wouldn’t want her to be hurt by anything that I’ve said – though I’ve always tried to be totally respectful. So while I might not want her to, I wouldn’t freak or anything if she did. I always knew that would be a possibility and I’ve always been okay with that possible outcome.
6. If Dee and Cupcake had lived closer, do you think they would have come to your wedding?
Doubtful.
We’ve never done anything that wasn’t a “visit.” I don’t babysit Cupcake, I’ve never been to a little Christmas program that she’s been in, we’ve never done more than a couple hours together. I don’t see my wedding as being the next logical stepping stone. And I couldn’t have them there and NOT own up to who they are. I would NEVER do that. But selfishly, I’m not sure I could have dealt with MY whole family AND LB’s whole family AND throwing adoption into the mix as well. I wanted that day to be as stress free as possible, and I’m not sure that would have been the recipe I needed.
(PS This is the kind of stuff I’m afraid to say these days….it’s not pretty, but it’s honest. And somewhere in Cyberland flames have begun from this kindling).
7. If you had to pick one essential ingredient in a "healthy" open adoption, what would it be?
GAH! This is too hard. I wrote a whole spiel about communication and then scrapped it when I asked myself, “But what good is communication without respect??”Thinking about that, it seems to me that the most successful OA’s I know of have a foundation of mutual respect. And not always just “I respect you because you birthed my child.” Looking for the value the person has outside of that is important to me. Not just “I respect you because you’re raising our daughter.” Dig deeper. Value the person. Understand that they are more than just your child’s first parents or adoptive parents. Respect them, who they are, and the relationship you both have – and if you DO that, I believe the rest will come. Because you communicate with the people you respect. And you uphold promises to them. And you are honest with them. And those are all spices and herbs and other bad analogies in the recipe for a “healthy” open adoption.
8. Why do you think so many people in society aren't open to (or are confused by) open adoptions?
Are you ready for this? My answer is soooooo taboo. INSECURITIES. It’s a dirty word that I get in trouble for using, but I think a lot of it goes back to this. And I’m not just talking about the stereotypical aparent insecurities either. I’m talking about societal insecurities. You start “sharing roles” and people freak out. Hell, I’ve seen grandparents do it because they’re not the only grandma!But they can’t really argue against it, that other set of grandparents is right there! Can’t shut them out! So to INVITE another Mom/Dad into the equation? That’s some scary stuff! Society can’t or doesn’t want to handle it. And the best part is – open adoption is not about sharing a role!!! Cupcake totally 100% knows who her Mom is and who her first Mom is. Kids get this stuff. Adults? Too often the just reject it.
9. I know you have connected with other first moms in the blogger world. Have you connected with any in "face-to-face" life?
YES! I have connected with adoptees, adoptive parents and first Moms. :) I actually was even part of a “Moms Group” locally that were all made up of women that adopted their kids from the same agency that placed Cupcake. I would show up to our parties and events without a child and it was no biggie. I was one of the “Moms.” (It was very cool). I’ve been skiing with an adoptive Mom, to Disneyland with adoptive Moms (two – separate occasions), a Corner Bakery with one and don’t plan on stopping! I’ve had cocktails with one of my first Mom bestie’s and visited another while I was on a trip across the country. It’s been awesome to meet these women (and a fella or two ;)) and connect with them in person. I highly recommend it! Even if some people think you’re a little “off” for meeting “strangers” off the internet, haha!
10. Taking into account the physical distance, what is your "dream relationship" with Cupcake like -- both now and in the future?
I just don’t know….
Does it involve me winning the lottery? Can it? I suppose I feel like I just need to let what happens right now…happen. Eventually, I’d like to build a relationship with Cupcake. I still want to be involved with Dee, but I’d like me and Cupcake to start our one on one time before she’s 18 (pending she wants to, can “handle”it, all that jazz). I don’t know, maybe we can email someday, talk about school, life, boys. I won’t try to be a Mom, but maybe I can be like her kinda-cool aunt type figure in California. And then we won’t need to reunite and get to know each other from scratch. I’ve created amazing relationships based on email with wonderful people across the country. I’d love for more than that with Cupcake, but I think at the least that’s what I would want.
11. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with Dee in which you've explained your frustration with some of the things she's said or done? If so, how did it go? If not, what is holding you back?
Fear. Yep. Totally worried about that. In the past, Dee was the key to visits, email, my everything with Cupcake. I didn’t want to freak her out. I didn’t want to cross a boundary. I think reading forums started to play some mind games with me too…I’d read about an incident that I thought was totally benign and see people freak out and start talking about establishing boundaries like yesterday and explaining to first Mom’s what’s what. I never wanted Dee to have to talk to me like that…talk down to me like that? I couldn’t handle it. So I took the chicken approach instead and didn’t rock the boat. Sure, I brought up little things – like when they were moving and I grew a pair and said I was disappointed that I found out on such short notice as planning a visit would be hard. I got a hand slap from some folks because I wasn’t understanding enough of the demands on Dee finding a job and moving and everything. The truth is, she’s been fairly receptive when I do bring stuff up, so when I don’t, it’s REALLY not her fault. It’s just a fear that I haven’t found a way to conquer yet.
12. While reading through your blog, I noticed that we have a shared love/hate relationship with reality television. My favorites are all of the Real Housewives (New York is at the top) and Survivor, although I watch many others. At the end of every summer, I swear that I will never again watch Big Brother, but I don't think I've missed a season yet. What are your favorites?
Okay, my favorite Reality Shows. I have a top 3, though one is "Real Housewives of _____ (fill in the blank)" so that's probably more than three on it's own! Long Board no longer allows New Jersey to be watched in our home, because they're just "too trainwrecky" so I am not caught up on them at all. But New York and Beverly Hills reign supreme! I did like DC (that Michaele Salahi was a MESS!) and have never watched a single episode of Atlanta OR Orange County.
To redeem myself for my RHOxx love, I also enjoy not so trashy shows like Top Chef. LOVE Top Chef actually. (The original, not so into "Just Desserts." We usually watch while eating something that Tom Colicchio have a heart attach, but maybe one day I'll learn something via osmosis....
And lastly, I CAN'T HELP IT. I say I'll never watch again, but darned if I get pulled in every time...but I SWEAR! Watching it is just a group activity that some friends and family enjoy together.....it's not me!!!! Every version of the Bachelor you can think of....Bachelor, Bachelorette, and yes, even Bachelor Pad. I just can't help it! I might need to seek help with these addictions :)
The highlight of my albeit short blogging career thus far has been "meeting" my partner -- TG of I Should Really Be Working 2.0. TG is many things -- a first mom, a newlywed, an amazing writer, warm, witty, honest, insightful, and a downright nice person. Her first blog -- I Should Really Be Working -- focused primarily on her daughter Cupcake who was adopted by Dee. Before this interview project, I had read many of TG's contributions to the OA Roundtable and always found myself hanging on her every word, interested to see how her experience might impact my own. She isn't afraid to tackle complex topics and on several occasions her writing has prompted me to step outside my comfort zone, consider new possibilities, and look at things not from the perspective of an adoptive mother but rather from the perspective of a first mother. Another quality quite unique about TG ... she is REALLY funny. While reading through her blog to prepare for our interview, I did actually "LOL" many times.
While TG's original blog focused primarily on issues surrounding adoption, 2.0 covers more ground, including her relationship with and recent marriage to Long Board, wedding planning, in-laws, work, travel, and relationships in general. Without further ado, here is my interview with TG:
1. What has your communication with Dee and Cupcake been like since they moved east? Do you have any plans to get together for a visit?
Since Dee and Cupcake moved East, we’ve had pretty limited communication. Really, there has only been one email and that was in July. I know that I should email them post-wedding, but….I don’t know. It’s a kind of emotionally overwhelming email to write for some reason. (Okay, okay – “some reason?” – pretty sure I know the reason!) I definitely want to make that a priority, but there’s a mental roadblock sometimes when it comes to that since I just don’t feel like I’m the same priority. It’s fairly easy for me to fall into the trap of, “Well, they seem to be doing just fine without hearing from me, or reaching out to me – why mess up what’s working for them?” Ah, my days hosting the pity party are not over!!
2. I know that at certain points in your life many people in your family, including Long Board, didn't know about Cupcake. Who knows about Cupcake now? Of those people, have any of them met her?
The only person that’s in my family life that knows about Cupcake is Long Board. The rest of my family just….doesn’t. To be honest, my biggest hurdle is Mom. I just about lost my mind dealing with her over the wedding. She can be a wonderful, generous and loving woman, but she can also be like a dog with a bone. I don’t need Cupcake to be that bone. In order to get through the every day, I just need to be able to control when and how I talk about Cupcake. I would forfeit that entirely if my Mother was involved. And I’m just not ready to. I know that makes me a million ways selfish, and a ton of other adjectives I’m sure, but that’s where we are today.
I have told a couple of my close friends at work about Cupcake. They are appropriately respectful of my ownership of those conversations, and that’s been great.
Cupcake and Long Board have not met. As there aren’t plans for me to see Cupcake anytime soon, there aren’t plans for Long Board too either – though Dee has said that she’d be open to introducing the two of them. Though I don’t know when that would be, I do see it as a part of our future.
3. How much is blogging a part of your life now? How does blogging now compare with blogging when you first started? Do you think you'll continue blogging in the foreseeable future?
When I first started blogging, it was something I needed. Something that served as a release for me. It gave me a place to get rid of all the crazy that was floating around in my head and process it. Today? It’s not as big a part of my life (as evidenced by the total lack of posts recently). I do still enjoy it, I’ve just become more guarded, and so less likely to post. Blogging has come back to bite me in the behind one too many times. Words have been twisted and people have taken things out of context and I just got exhausted with the whole thing. I’ve never completely bounced back from that I suppose. I would like to keep blogging, I just need to figure out what that looks like. I feel like I don’t know how to blog about adoption anymore…I could blog about the wedding, I could blog about my life, I anticipate blogging about future children, but adoption? Let me put it this way: For me, blogging about adoption was NOT like riding a bike.
4. What adoption-related issue are you most passionate about and why?
Oh dear…..I am afraid that there is JUST not enough space for this one!!!! BUT, I will suggest an alternate! What if we do a little – OA Roundtable part deux, and we BOTH answer and share each other’s answers. What do you think, huh? Huh? Huh??
[Ed. Note: I said "yes!"]
5. Do you think Dee has ever read your blog? If she hasn't (or you don't think she has), would you want her to?
I don’t think that she has. First, I don’t know if she knows that I blog. Second,I think she thought it was weird that I forum-ed, so not sure she’s all e-community friendly. Third, I just don’t think I’m on her radar enough that she would look for me. As for would I want her to…I guess not? I wouldn’t want her to be hurt by anything that I’ve said – though I’ve always tried to be totally respectful. So while I might not want her to, I wouldn’t freak or anything if she did. I always knew that would be a possibility and I’ve always been okay with that possible outcome.
6. If Dee and Cupcake had lived closer, do you think they would have come to your wedding?
Doubtful.
We’ve never done anything that wasn’t a “visit.” I don’t babysit Cupcake, I’ve never been to a little Christmas program that she’s been in, we’ve never done more than a couple hours together. I don’t see my wedding as being the next logical stepping stone. And I couldn’t have them there and NOT own up to who they are. I would NEVER do that. But selfishly, I’m not sure I could have dealt with MY whole family AND LB’s whole family AND throwing adoption into the mix as well. I wanted that day to be as stress free as possible, and I’m not sure that would have been the recipe I needed.
(PS This is the kind of stuff I’m afraid to say these days….it’s not pretty, but it’s honest. And somewhere in Cyberland flames have begun from this kindling).
7. If you had to pick one essential ingredient in a "healthy" open adoption, what would it be?
GAH! This is too hard. I wrote a whole spiel about communication and then scrapped it when I asked myself, “But what good is communication without respect??”Thinking about that, it seems to me that the most successful OA’s I know of have a foundation of mutual respect. And not always just “I respect you because you birthed my child.” Looking for the value the person has outside of that is important to me. Not just “I respect you because you’re raising our daughter.” Dig deeper. Value the person. Understand that they are more than just your child’s first parents or adoptive parents. Respect them, who they are, and the relationship you both have – and if you DO that, I believe the rest will come. Because you communicate with the people you respect. And you uphold promises to them. And you are honest with them. And those are all spices and herbs and other bad analogies in the recipe for a “healthy” open adoption.
8. Why do you think so many people in society aren't open to (or are confused by) open adoptions?
Are you ready for this? My answer is soooooo taboo. INSECURITIES. It’s a dirty word that I get in trouble for using, but I think a lot of it goes back to this. And I’m not just talking about the stereotypical aparent insecurities either. I’m talking about societal insecurities. You start “sharing roles” and people freak out. Hell, I’ve seen grandparents do it because they’re not the only grandma!But they can’t really argue against it, that other set of grandparents is right there! Can’t shut them out! So to INVITE another Mom/Dad into the equation? That’s some scary stuff! Society can’t or doesn’t want to handle it. And the best part is – open adoption is not about sharing a role!!! Cupcake totally 100% knows who her Mom is and who her first Mom is. Kids get this stuff. Adults? Too often the just reject it.
9. I know you have connected with other first moms in the blogger world. Have you connected with any in "face-to-face" life?
YES! I have connected with adoptees, adoptive parents and first Moms. :) I actually was even part of a “Moms Group” locally that were all made up of women that adopted their kids from the same agency that placed Cupcake. I would show up to our parties and events without a child and it was no biggie. I was one of the “Moms.” (It was very cool). I’ve been skiing with an adoptive Mom, to Disneyland with adoptive Moms (two – separate occasions), a Corner Bakery with one and don’t plan on stopping! I’ve had cocktails with one of my first Mom bestie’s and visited another while I was on a trip across the country. It’s been awesome to meet these women (and a fella or two ;)) and connect with them in person. I highly recommend it! Even if some people think you’re a little “off” for meeting “strangers” off the internet, haha!
10. Taking into account the physical distance, what is your "dream relationship" with Cupcake like -- both now and in the future?
I just don’t know….
Does it involve me winning the lottery? Can it? I suppose I feel like I just need to let what happens right now…happen. Eventually, I’d like to build a relationship with Cupcake. I still want to be involved with Dee, but I’d like me and Cupcake to start our one on one time before she’s 18 (pending she wants to, can “handle”it, all that jazz). I don’t know, maybe we can email someday, talk about school, life, boys. I won’t try to be a Mom, but maybe I can be like her kinda-cool aunt type figure in California. And then we won’t need to reunite and get to know each other from scratch. I’ve created amazing relationships based on email with wonderful people across the country. I’d love for more than that with Cupcake, but I think at the least that’s what I would want.
11. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with Dee in which you've explained your frustration with some of the things she's said or done? If so, how did it go? If not, what is holding you back?
Fear. Yep. Totally worried about that. In the past, Dee was the key to visits, email, my everything with Cupcake. I didn’t want to freak her out. I didn’t want to cross a boundary. I think reading forums started to play some mind games with me too…I’d read about an incident that I thought was totally benign and see people freak out and start talking about establishing boundaries like yesterday and explaining to first Mom’s what’s what. I never wanted Dee to have to talk to me like that…talk down to me like that? I couldn’t handle it. So I took the chicken approach instead and didn’t rock the boat. Sure, I brought up little things – like when they were moving and I grew a pair and said I was disappointed that I found out on such short notice as planning a visit would be hard. I got a hand slap from some folks because I wasn’t understanding enough of the demands on Dee finding a job and moving and everything. The truth is, she’s been fairly receptive when I do bring stuff up, so when I don’t, it’s REALLY not her fault. It’s just a fear that I haven’t found a way to conquer yet.
12. While reading through your blog, I noticed that we have a shared love/hate relationship with reality television. My favorites are all of the Real Housewives (New York is at the top) and Survivor, although I watch many others. At the end of every summer, I swear that I will never again watch Big Brother, but I don't think I've missed a season yet. What are your favorites?
Okay, my favorite Reality Shows. I have a top 3, though one is "Real Housewives of _____ (fill in the blank)" so that's probably more than three on it's own! Long Board no longer allows New Jersey to be watched in our home, because they're just "too trainwrecky" so I am not caught up on them at all. But New York and Beverly Hills reign supreme! I did like DC (that Michaele Salahi was a MESS!) and have never watched a single episode of Atlanta OR Orange County.
To redeem myself for my RHOxx love, I also enjoy not so trashy shows like Top Chef. LOVE Top Chef actually. (The original, not so into "Just Desserts." We usually watch while eating something that Tom Colicchio have a heart attach, but maybe one day I'll learn something via osmosis....
And lastly, I CAN'T HELP IT. I say I'll never watch again, but darned if I get pulled in every time...but I SWEAR! Watching it is just a group activity that some friends and family enjoy together.....it's not me!!!! Every version of the Bachelor you can think of....Bachelor, Bachelorette, and yes, even Bachelor Pad. I just can't help it! I might need to seek help with these addictions :)
Lovely Lily
Last night Lily and I had mango sorbet for dessert. I put some in a cup for her and some in a cup for myself. I finished mine first, and put my empty cup down the coffee table. Lily looked in my cup and said, "Aww, mama no more." Then she got a spoonful of mango sorbet from her cup and put it right up to my lips. (And of course I couldn't turn away an extra spoonful, even if it meant taking it away from a two-year-old.) My heart melted right along with the mango sorbet. Lily is such a nurturing soul. Everyone who spends time with her tells me that. At pre-school, random parents come up to me and say that their kid was crying in the morning and Lily came over and gave them a hug or wiped away their tears. I don't think anything could make me more proud.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)