I started this blog as a way to connect to the open adoption community - a supportive community I couldn't find in my face-to-face life. But today I'm using my blog for another purpose, to try to work through and process my feelings and better understand myself.
Infertility is one of those painful experiences that you can actually grow to be grateful for. If it weren't for our infertility, we'd have two other kids who would now be around 10 and 8. There would be no Ferb. There would still be a Lily, but she wouldn't be our daughter. We wouldn't even know she existed. As trying as it was to build our family - and there were some very dark days for me - I would do it all over again if I had to. I wouldn't trade anything for Ferb and Lily. They are my life, and I just can't imagine living without them. Thank God we were infertile.
There are so many things worse than not being able to get pregnant. Too many to name. I've felt a lot of guilt for the sadness I've felt for myself knowing that there are so many people out there dealing with problems much worse them mine. I could never quite accept why it was so hard for me to accept that G and I couldn't have a baby naturally.
The Fertilityland experts write about how infertility is always a part of you, no matter how many children you go on to parent. Sometimes you think the pain has gone away and then something happens and it rears its ugly head and stares your down until you're in tears. I guess that's happening to me right now. A family member recently announced her pregnancy (one of those "we look and each other and I'm pregnant!"), and I'm feeling sad and bitter for no good reason. And when I say "no good reason," I really do mean it. I'm trying my best to snap out of it.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Interview with TG at I Should Really Be Working 2.0
I'm very excited to participate in the 2011 Interview Project organized by Heather at Production Not Reproduction.
The highlight of my albeit short blogging career thus far has been "meeting" my partner -- TG of I Should Really Be Working 2.0. TG is many things -- a first mom, a newlywed, an amazing writer, warm, witty, honest, insightful, and a downright nice person. Her first blog -- I Should Really Be Working -- focused primarily on her daughter Cupcake who was adopted by Dee. Before this interview project, I had read many of TG's contributions to the OA Roundtable and always found myself hanging on her every word, interested to see how her experience might impact my own. She isn't afraid to tackle complex topics and on several occasions her writing has prompted me to step outside my comfort zone, consider new possibilities, and look at things not from the perspective of an adoptive mother but rather from the perspective of a first mother. Another quality quite unique about TG ... she is REALLY funny. While reading through her blog to prepare for our interview, I did actually "LOL" many times.
While TG's original blog focused primarily on issues surrounding adoption, 2.0 covers more ground, including her relationship with and recent marriage to Long Board, wedding planning, in-laws, work, travel, and relationships in general. Without further ado, here is my interview with TG:
1. What has your communication with Dee and Cupcake been like since they moved east? Do you have any plans to get together for a visit?
Since Dee and Cupcake moved East, we’ve had pretty limited communication. Really, there has only been one email and that was in July. I know that I should email them post-wedding, but….I don’t know. It’s a kind of emotionally overwhelming email to write for some reason. (Okay, okay – “some reason?” – pretty sure I know the reason!) I definitely want to make that a priority, but there’s a mental roadblock sometimes when it comes to that since I just don’t feel like I’m the same priority. It’s fairly easy for me to fall into the trap of, “Well, they seem to be doing just fine without hearing from me, or reaching out to me – why mess up what’s working for them?” Ah, my days hosting the pity party are not over!!
2. I know that at certain points in your life many people in your family, including Long Board, didn't know about Cupcake. Who knows about Cupcake now? Of those people, have any of them met her?
The only person that’s in my family life that knows about Cupcake is Long Board. The rest of my family just….doesn’t. To be honest, my biggest hurdle is Mom. I just about lost my mind dealing with her over the wedding. She can be a wonderful, generous and loving woman, but she can also be like a dog with a bone. I don’t need Cupcake to be that bone. In order to get through the every day, I just need to be able to control when and how I talk about Cupcake. I would forfeit that entirely if my Mother was involved. And I’m just not ready to. I know that makes me a million ways selfish, and a ton of other adjectives I’m sure, but that’s where we are today.
I have told a couple of my close friends at work about Cupcake. They are appropriately respectful of my ownership of those conversations, and that’s been great.
Cupcake and Long Board have not met. As there aren’t plans for me to see Cupcake anytime soon, there aren’t plans for Long Board too either – though Dee has said that she’d be open to introducing the two of them. Though I don’t know when that would be, I do see it as a part of our future.
3. How much is blogging a part of your life now? How does blogging now compare with blogging when you first started? Do you think you'll continue blogging in the foreseeable future?
When I first started blogging, it was something I needed. Something that served as a release for me. It gave me a place to get rid of all the crazy that was floating around in my head and process it. Today? It’s not as big a part of my life (as evidenced by the total lack of posts recently). I do still enjoy it, I’ve just become more guarded, and so less likely to post. Blogging has come back to bite me in the behind one too many times. Words have been twisted and people have taken things out of context and I just got exhausted with the whole thing. I’ve never completely bounced back from that I suppose. I would like to keep blogging, I just need to figure out what that looks like. I feel like I don’t know how to blog about adoption anymore…I could blog about the wedding, I could blog about my life, I anticipate blogging about future children, but adoption? Let me put it this way: For me, blogging about adoption was NOT like riding a bike.
4. What adoption-related issue are you most passionate about and why?
Oh dear…..I am afraid that there is JUST not enough space for this one!!!! BUT, I will suggest an alternate! What if we do a little – OA Roundtable part deux, and we BOTH answer and share each other’s answers. What do you think, huh? Huh? Huh??
[Ed. Note: I said "yes!"]
5. Do you think Dee has ever read your blog? If she hasn't (or you don't think she has), would you want her to?
I don’t think that she has. First, I don’t know if she knows that I blog. Second,I think she thought it was weird that I forum-ed, so not sure she’s all e-community friendly. Third, I just don’t think I’m on her radar enough that she would look for me. As for would I want her to…I guess not? I wouldn’t want her to be hurt by anything that I’ve said – though I’ve always tried to be totally respectful. So while I might not want her to, I wouldn’t freak or anything if she did. I always knew that would be a possibility and I’ve always been okay with that possible outcome.
6. If Dee and Cupcake had lived closer, do you think they would have come to your wedding?
Doubtful.
We’ve never done anything that wasn’t a “visit.” I don’t babysit Cupcake, I’ve never been to a little Christmas program that she’s been in, we’ve never done more than a couple hours together. I don’t see my wedding as being the next logical stepping stone. And I couldn’t have them there and NOT own up to who they are. I would NEVER do that. But selfishly, I’m not sure I could have dealt with MY whole family AND LB’s whole family AND throwing adoption into the mix as well. I wanted that day to be as stress free as possible, and I’m not sure that would have been the recipe I needed.
(PS This is the kind of stuff I’m afraid to say these days….it’s not pretty, but it’s honest. And somewhere in Cyberland flames have begun from this kindling).
7. If you had to pick one essential ingredient in a "healthy" open adoption, what would it be?
GAH! This is too hard. I wrote a whole spiel about communication and then scrapped it when I asked myself, “But what good is communication without respect??”Thinking about that, it seems to me that the most successful OA’s I know of have a foundation of mutual respect. And not always just “I respect you because you birthed my child.” Looking for the value the person has outside of that is important to me. Not just “I respect you because you’re raising our daughter.” Dig deeper. Value the person. Understand that they are more than just your child’s first parents or adoptive parents. Respect them, who they are, and the relationship you both have – and if you DO that, I believe the rest will come. Because you communicate with the people you respect. And you uphold promises to them. And you are honest with them. And those are all spices and herbs and other bad analogies in the recipe for a “healthy” open adoption.
8. Why do you think so many people in society aren't open to (or are confused by) open adoptions?
Are you ready for this? My answer is soooooo taboo. INSECURITIES. It’s a dirty word that I get in trouble for using, but I think a lot of it goes back to this. And I’m not just talking about the stereotypical aparent insecurities either. I’m talking about societal insecurities. You start “sharing roles” and people freak out. Hell, I’ve seen grandparents do it because they’re not the only grandma!But they can’t really argue against it, that other set of grandparents is right there! Can’t shut them out! So to INVITE another Mom/Dad into the equation? That’s some scary stuff! Society can’t or doesn’t want to handle it. And the best part is – open adoption is not about sharing a role!!! Cupcake totally 100% knows who her Mom is and who her first Mom is. Kids get this stuff. Adults? Too often the just reject it.
9. I know you have connected with other first moms in the blogger world. Have you connected with any in "face-to-face" life?
YES! I have connected with adoptees, adoptive parents and first Moms. :) I actually was even part of a “Moms Group” locally that were all made up of women that adopted their kids from the same agency that placed Cupcake. I would show up to our parties and events without a child and it was no biggie. I was one of the “Moms.” (It was very cool). I’ve been skiing with an adoptive Mom, to Disneyland with adoptive Moms (two – separate occasions), a Corner Bakery with one and don’t plan on stopping! I’ve had cocktails with one of my first Mom bestie’s and visited another while I was on a trip across the country. It’s been awesome to meet these women (and a fella or two ;)) and connect with them in person. I highly recommend it! Even if some people think you’re a little “off” for meeting “strangers” off the internet, haha!
10. Taking into account the physical distance, what is your "dream relationship" with Cupcake like -- both now and in the future?
I just don’t know….
Does it involve me winning the lottery? Can it? I suppose I feel like I just need to let what happens right now…happen. Eventually, I’d like to build a relationship with Cupcake. I still want to be involved with Dee, but I’d like me and Cupcake to start our one on one time before she’s 18 (pending she wants to, can “handle”it, all that jazz). I don’t know, maybe we can email someday, talk about school, life, boys. I won’t try to be a Mom, but maybe I can be like her kinda-cool aunt type figure in California. And then we won’t need to reunite and get to know each other from scratch. I’ve created amazing relationships based on email with wonderful people across the country. I’d love for more than that with Cupcake, but I think at the least that’s what I would want.
11. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with Dee in which you've explained your frustration with some of the things she's said or done? If so, how did it go? If not, what is holding you back?
Fear. Yep. Totally worried about that. In the past, Dee was the key to visits, email, my everything with Cupcake. I didn’t want to freak her out. I didn’t want to cross a boundary. I think reading forums started to play some mind games with me too…I’d read about an incident that I thought was totally benign and see people freak out and start talking about establishing boundaries like yesterday and explaining to first Mom’s what’s what. I never wanted Dee to have to talk to me like that…talk down to me like that? I couldn’t handle it. So I took the chicken approach instead and didn’t rock the boat. Sure, I brought up little things – like when they were moving and I grew a pair and said I was disappointed that I found out on such short notice as planning a visit would be hard. I got a hand slap from some folks because I wasn’t understanding enough of the demands on Dee finding a job and moving and everything. The truth is, she’s been fairly receptive when I do bring stuff up, so when I don’t, it’s REALLY not her fault. It’s just a fear that I haven’t found a way to conquer yet.
12. While reading through your blog, I noticed that we have a shared love/hate relationship with reality television. My favorites are all of the Real Housewives (New York is at the top) and Survivor, although I watch many others. At the end of every summer, I swear that I will never again watch Big Brother, but I don't think I've missed a season yet. What are your favorites?
Okay, my favorite Reality Shows. I have a top 3, though one is "Real Housewives of _____ (fill in the blank)" so that's probably more than three on it's own! Long Board no longer allows New Jersey to be watched in our home, because they're just "too trainwrecky" so I am not caught up on them at all. But New York and Beverly Hills reign supreme! I did like DC (that Michaele Salahi was a MESS!) and have never watched a single episode of Atlanta OR Orange County.
To redeem myself for my RHOxx love, I also enjoy not so trashy shows like Top Chef. LOVE Top Chef actually. (The original, not so into "Just Desserts." We usually watch while eating something that Tom Colicchio have a heart attach, but maybe one day I'll learn something via osmosis....
And lastly, I CAN'T HELP IT. I say I'll never watch again, but darned if I get pulled in every time...but I SWEAR! Watching it is just a group activity that some friends and family enjoy together.....it's not me!!!! Every version of the Bachelor you can think of....Bachelor, Bachelorette, and yes, even Bachelor Pad. I just can't help it! I might need to seek help with these addictions :)
The highlight of my albeit short blogging career thus far has been "meeting" my partner -- TG of I Should Really Be Working 2.0. TG is many things -- a first mom, a newlywed, an amazing writer, warm, witty, honest, insightful, and a downright nice person. Her first blog -- I Should Really Be Working -- focused primarily on her daughter Cupcake who was adopted by Dee. Before this interview project, I had read many of TG's contributions to the OA Roundtable and always found myself hanging on her every word, interested to see how her experience might impact my own. She isn't afraid to tackle complex topics and on several occasions her writing has prompted me to step outside my comfort zone, consider new possibilities, and look at things not from the perspective of an adoptive mother but rather from the perspective of a first mother. Another quality quite unique about TG ... she is REALLY funny. While reading through her blog to prepare for our interview, I did actually "LOL" many times.
While TG's original blog focused primarily on issues surrounding adoption, 2.0 covers more ground, including her relationship with and recent marriage to Long Board, wedding planning, in-laws, work, travel, and relationships in general. Without further ado, here is my interview with TG:
1. What has your communication with Dee and Cupcake been like since they moved east? Do you have any plans to get together for a visit?
Since Dee and Cupcake moved East, we’ve had pretty limited communication. Really, there has only been one email and that was in July. I know that I should email them post-wedding, but….I don’t know. It’s a kind of emotionally overwhelming email to write for some reason. (Okay, okay – “some reason?” – pretty sure I know the reason!) I definitely want to make that a priority, but there’s a mental roadblock sometimes when it comes to that since I just don’t feel like I’m the same priority. It’s fairly easy for me to fall into the trap of, “Well, they seem to be doing just fine without hearing from me, or reaching out to me – why mess up what’s working for them?” Ah, my days hosting the pity party are not over!!
2. I know that at certain points in your life many people in your family, including Long Board, didn't know about Cupcake. Who knows about Cupcake now? Of those people, have any of them met her?
The only person that’s in my family life that knows about Cupcake is Long Board. The rest of my family just….doesn’t. To be honest, my biggest hurdle is Mom. I just about lost my mind dealing with her over the wedding. She can be a wonderful, generous and loving woman, but she can also be like a dog with a bone. I don’t need Cupcake to be that bone. In order to get through the every day, I just need to be able to control when and how I talk about Cupcake. I would forfeit that entirely if my Mother was involved. And I’m just not ready to. I know that makes me a million ways selfish, and a ton of other adjectives I’m sure, but that’s where we are today.
I have told a couple of my close friends at work about Cupcake. They are appropriately respectful of my ownership of those conversations, and that’s been great.
Cupcake and Long Board have not met. As there aren’t plans for me to see Cupcake anytime soon, there aren’t plans for Long Board too either – though Dee has said that she’d be open to introducing the two of them. Though I don’t know when that would be, I do see it as a part of our future.
3. How much is blogging a part of your life now? How does blogging now compare with blogging when you first started? Do you think you'll continue blogging in the foreseeable future?
When I first started blogging, it was something I needed. Something that served as a release for me. It gave me a place to get rid of all the crazy that was floating around in my head and process it. Today? It’s not as big a part of my life (as evidenced by the total lack of posts recently). I do still enjoy it, I’ve just become more guarded, and so less likely to post. Blogging has come back to bite me in the behind one too many times. Words have been twisted and people have taken things out of context and I just got exhausted with the whole thing. I’ve never completely bounced back from that I suppose. I would like to keep blogging, I just need to figure out what that looks like. I feel like I don’t know how to blog about adoption anymore…I could blog about the wedding, I could blog about my life, I anticipate blogging about future children, but adoption? Let me put it this way: For me, blogging about adoption was NOT like riding a bike.
4. What adoption-related issue are you most passionate about and why?
Oh dear…..I am afraid that there is JUST not enough space for this one!!!! BUT, I will suggest an alternate! What if we do a little – OA Roundtable part deux, and we BOTH answer and share each other’s answers. What do you think, huh? Huh? Huh??
[Ed. Note: I said "yes!"]
5. Do you think Dee has ever read your blog? If she hasn't (or you don't think she has), would you want her to?
I don’t think that she has. First, I don’t know if she knows that I blog. Second,I think she thought it was weird that I forum-ed, so not sure she’s all e-community friendly. Third, I just don’t think I’m on her radar enough that she would look for me. As for would I want her to…I guess not? I wouldn’t want her to be hurt by anything that I’ve said – though I’ve always tried to be totally respectful. So while I might not want her to, I wouldn’t freak or anything if she did. I always knew that would be a possibility and I’ve always been okay with that possible outcome.
6. If Dee and Cupcake had lived closer, do you think they would have come to your wedding?
Doubtful.
We’ve never done anything that wasn’t a “visit.” I don’t babysit Cupcake, I’ve never been to a little Christmas program that she’s been in, we’ve never done more than a couple hours together. I don’t see my wedding as being the next logical stepping stone. And I couldn’t have them there and NOT own up to who they are. I would NEVER do that. But selfishly, I’m not sure I could have dealt with MY whole family AND LB’s whole family AND throwing adoption into the mix as well. I wanted that day to be as stress free as possible, and I’m not sure that would have been the recipe I needed.
(PS This is the kind of stuff I’m afraid to say these days….it’s not pretty, but it’s honest. And somewhere in Cyberland flames have begun from this kindling).
7. If you had to pick one essential ingredient in a "healthy" open adoption, what would it be?
GAH! This is too hard. I wrote a whole spiel about communication and then scrapped it when I asked myself, “But what good is communication without respect??”Thinking about that, it seems to me that the most successful OA’s I know of have a foundation of mutual respect. And not always just “I respect you because you birthed my child.” Looking for the value the person has outside of that is important to me. Not just “I respect you because you’re raising our daughter.” Dig deeper. Value the person. Understand that they are more than just your child’s first parents or adoptive parents. Respect them, who they are, and the relationship you both have – and if you DO that, I believe the rest will come. Because you communicate with the people you respect. And you uphold promises to them. And you are honest with them. And those are all spices and herbs and other bad analogies in the recipe for a “healthy” open adoption.
8. Why do you think so many people in society aren't open to (or are confused by) open adoptions?
Are you ready for this? My answer is soooooo taboo. INSECURITIES. It’s a dirty word that I get in trouble for using, but I think a lot of it goes back to this. And I’m not just talking about the stereotypical aparent insecurities either. I’m talking about societal insecurities. You start “sharing roles” and people freak out. Hell, I’ve seen grandparents do it because they’re not the only grandma!But they can’t really argue against it, that other set of grandparents is right there! Can’t shut them out! So to INVITE another Mom/Dad into the equation? That’s some scary stuff! Society can’t or doesn’t want to handle it. And the best part is – open adoption is not about sharing a role!!! Cupcake totally 100% knows who her Mom is and who her first Mom is. Kids get this stuff. Adults? Too often the just reject it.
9. I know you have connected with other first moms in the blogger world. Have you connected with any in "face-to-face" life?
YES! I have connected with adoptees, adoptive parents and first Moms. :) I actually was even part of a “Moms Group” locally that were all made up of women that adopted their kids from the same agency that placed Cupcake. I would show up to our parties and events without a child and it was no biggie. I was one of the “Moms.” (It was very cool). I’ve been skiing with an adoptive Mom, to Disneyland with adoptive Moms (two – separate occasions), a Corner Bakery with one and don’t plan on stopping! I’ve had cocktails with one of my first Mom bestie’s and visited another while I was on a trip across the country. It’s been awesome to meet these women (and a fella or two ;)) and connect with them in person. I highly recommend it! Even if some people think you’re a little “off” for meeting “strangers” off the internet, haha!
10. Taking into account the physical distance, what is your "dream relationship" with Cupcake like -- both now and in the future?
I just don’t know….
Does it involve me winning the lottery? Can it? I suppose I feel like I just need to let what happens right now…happen. Eventually, I’d like to build a relationship with Cupcake. I still want to be involved with Dee, but I’d like me and Cupcake to start our one on one time before she’s 18 (pending she wants to, can “handle”it, all that jazz). I don’t know, maybe we can email someday, talk about school, life, boys. I won’t try to be a Mom, but maybe I can be like her kinda-cool aunt type figure in California. And then we won’t need to reunite and get to know each other from scratch. I’ve created amazing relationships based on email with wonderful people across the country. I’d love for more than that with Cupcake, but I think at the least that’s what I would want.
11. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with Dee in which you've explained your frustration with some of the things she's said or done? If so, how did it go? If not, what is holding you back?
Fear. Yep. Totally worried about that. In the past, Dee was the key to visits, email, my everything with Cupcake. I didn’t want to freak her out. I didn’t want to cross a boundary. I think reading forums started to play some mind games with me too…I’d read about an incident that I thought was totally benign and see people freak out and start talking about establishing boundaries like yesterday and explaining to first Mom’s what’s what. I never wanted Dee to have to talk to me like that…talk down to me like that? I couldn’t handle it. So I took the chicken approach instead and didn’t rock the boat. Sure, I brought up little things – like when they were moving and I grew a pair and said I was disappointed that I found out on such short notice as planning a visit would be hard. I got a hand slap from some folks because I wasn’t understanding enough of the demands on Dee finding a job and moving and everything. The truth is, she’s been fairly receptive when I do bring stuff up, so when I don’t, it’s REALLY not her fault. It’s just a fear that I haven’t found a way to conquer yet.
12. While reading through your blog, I noticed that we have a shared love/hate relationship with reality television. My favorites are all of the Real Housewives (New York is at the top) and Survivor, although I watch many others. At the end of every summer, I swear that I will never again watch Big Brother, but I don't think I've missed a season yet. What are your favorites?
Okay, my favorite Reality Shows. I have a top 3, though one is "Real Housewives of _____ (fill in the blank)" so that's probably more than three on it's own! Long Board no longer allows New Jersey to be watched in our home, because they're just "too trainwrecky" so I am not caught up on them at all. But New York and Beverly Hills reign supreme! I did like DC (that Michaele Salahi was a MESS!) and have never watched a single episode of Atlanta OR Orange County.
To redeem myself for my RHOxx love, I also enjoy not so trashy shows like Top Chef. LOVE Top Chef actually. (The original, not so into "Just Desserts." We usually watch while eating something that Tom Colicchio have a heart attach, but maybe one day I'll learn something via osmosis....
And lastly, I CAN'T HELP IT. I say I'll never watch again, but darned if I get pulled in every time...but I SWEAR! Watching it is just a group activity that some friends and family enjoy together.....it's not me!!!! Every version of the Bachelor you can think of....Bachelor, Bachelorette, and yes, even Bachelor Pad. I just can't help it! I might need to seek help with these addictions :)
Lovely Lily
Last night Lily and I had mango sorbet for dessert. I put some in a cup for her and some in a cup for myself. I finished mine first, and put my empty cup down the coffee table. Lily looked in my cup and said, "Aww, mama no more." Then she got a spoonful of mango sorbet from her cup and put it right up to my lips. (And of course I couldn't turn away an extra spoonful, even if it meant taking it away from a two-year-old.) My heart melted right along with the mango sorbet. Lily is such a nurturing soul. Everyone who spends time with her tells me that. At pre-school, random parents come up to me and say that their kid was crying in the morning and Lily came over and gave them a hug or wiped away their tears. I don't think anything could make me more proud.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Crooked Fingers and Big Heads
After we adopted Lily, several adults I had known for a while -- more acquaintances than friends -- told me that they had been adopted. All of them were born during the era of closed adoptions, and only one of them (at the urging of his wife) had searched for and found his birthparents. One of these adults was a man in his late 20s who, in a discussion about our open adoption, told me that the hardest thing for him as an adoptee was never having seen anyone who looks like him. He had reservations about searching for his first family, and I got the sense that he felt it would hurt his a-parents if he did so. But I was very struck by his comment. It's not something that I hadn't read about before, but hearing it come from someone sitting right next to me -- seeing the sadness in his eyes when he said it -- it meant more than anything I could ever read.
Ferb has two crooked fingers -- both pinkies. I noticed it when he was little, and we always talk about it as an interesting physical feature of his. The last time my in-laws were here, Ferb discovered that G's mother has the same two crooked pinkies. Ferb thought that was really neat.
The first winter after Lily was born, I learned that she has a very large head. After buying several hats that were too small, I found that at six months old she needed a size 3T hat. Bicycle helmets have been a big hassle lately because they're all too small for her.
Today I got a Facebook friend request from Lily's biological great-grandmother. I was thrilled. I've become very close friends with Fiona's mom Ivy, and this is HER mom. I would like to get to know more of the extended family on Fiona's side, but that's been a bit complicated. In any case, I was very happy to get the friend request.
After accepting, I went to her page and found a picture of HER parents, who are Lily's great-great grandparents. It's an AMAZING picture of her great-great grandfather receiving an award. I started reading through the many comments posted under the picture, and then came across one that really made me smile. Apparently, Lily's great-great grandfather had to have special hats made for him because his head was so large. Apparently, very large heads run in the family.
I'm so excited to have access to this picture and I can't wait until Lily is old enough to understand who it is. And now I'll be able to tell her where her large head comes from. I know that Ferb will remember that his crooked fingers come from his maternal grandmother, but I'm not sure he'll remember how excited he felt when he made the discovery. That's because when you're not adopted, you take for granted the fact that you know where your freckles or your thin nose or your round eyes come from. I have a picture of Lily with Fiona and Nate framed on her wall, and we often look at it together and I talk about the features she gets from each of them. I know it's not the same, but I hope in some way our open adoption will enable Lily to take for granted that she knows where her big head comes from. That would make me very happy.
Ferb has two crooked fingers -- both pinkies. I noticed it when he was little, and we always talk about it as an interesting physical feature of his. The last time my in-laws were here, Ferb discovered that G's mother has the same two crooked pinkies. Ferb thought that was really neat.
The first winter after Lily was born, I learned that she has a very large head. After buying several hats that were too small, I found that at six months old she needed a size 3T hat. Bicycle helmets have been a big hassle lately because they're all too small for her.
Today I got a Facebook friend request from Lily's biological great-grandmother. I was thrilled. I've become very close friends with Fiona's mom Ivy, and this is HER mom. I would like to get to know more of the extended family on Fiona's side, but that's been a bit complicated. In any case, I was very happy to get the friend request.
After accepting, I went to her page and found a picture of HER parents, who are Lily's great-great grandparents. It's an AMAZING picture of her great-great grandfather receiving an award. I started reading through the many comments posted under the picture, and then came across one that really made me smile. Apparently, Lily's great-great grandfather had to have special hats made for him because his head was so large. Apparently, very large heads run in the family.
I'm so excited to have access to this picture and I can't wait until Lily is old enough to understand who it is. And now I'll be able to tell her where her large head comes from. I know that Ferb will remember that his crooked fingers come from his maternal grandmother, but I'm not sure he'll remember how excited he felt when he made the discovery. That's because when you're not adopted, you take for granted the fact that you know where your freckles or your thin nose or your round eyes come from. I have a picture of Lily with Fiona and Nate framed on her wall, and we often look at it together and I talk about the features she gets from each of them. I know it's not the same, but I hope in some way our open adoption will enable Lily to take for granted that she knows where her big head comes from. That would make me very happy.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
A Moment in Time
There are many layers to our first meeting with Fiona and Nate, and it will take me many blog entries to get through all the layers. The meeting happened a week after Lily had been born and placed with us. It was within the revocation period. And, unbeknowst to us before the meeting, it was the first time Fiona and Nate had seen Lily.
This meeting took place in a sterile agency office with bad ventilation. A large table and some fake plants took up most of the room. I sat across from Fiona, both of us with bloodshot eyes and a look of death warmed over. We both knew that one of us would be leaving that office with Lily and the other one would not. I knew through the social worker only this -- Fiona was confused about things and she wanted to meet us, they wanted to talk about having an open adoption.
Lily was sleeping in her car sear carrier, and for the first 45-60 minutes of the meeting, we introduced ourselves to one another and Fiona and Nate asked us questions they had prepared. There was also a brief discussion in which all four of us stated that we wanted to have an open adoption. When the talking ceased, I asked if I could have a moment alone with Fiona and Lily. I was still processing the fact that she hadn't seen Lily.
I don't think I've ever spoken this part of the story. I've tried a couple of times, but my emotions have never let me. Fiona looked at Lily and asked me if she could hold her. I took Lily out of her car seat, and Fiona asked me to help her position her arms the right way. I placed Lily in her arms and showed her how to support Lily's head. Once they were situated, Fiona wept. I lost my breath, and words escaped me. I could only wrap my arms around Fiona as she held Lily and cried. We stayed in that position for what seemed like a long time.
Suddenly, at the same time, we both felt very warm. We gathered our things, put Lily back in the car seat and rejoined G, Nate, and the social worker. We exchanged some pleasantries. They gave us their phone numbers and email addresses and asked us to email them some pictures. And G, Lily, and I left the office.
I don't think G and I spoke much in the car ride home. Both of our families and some close friends knew of the meeting and were waiting to hear the outcome. I sent a text to my sisters indicating that we were on our way home with Lily, knowing that they would let the others know. My in-laws were still in town, at our house, and they met us at the door with big smiles and hugs. But I was numb. I felt no relief, no joy. I had no tears left. The only thing I felt was sick. I wanted to crawl into my bed and hide under my covers. All I could think was, "What have I done?"
This meeting took place in a sterile agency office with bad ventilation. A large table and some fake plants took up most of the room. I sat across from Fiona, both of us with bloodshot eyes and a look of death warmed over. We both knew that one of us would be leaving that office with Lily and the other one would not. I knew through the social worker only this -- Fiona was confused about things and she wanted to meet us, they wanted to talk about having an open adoption.
Lily was sleeping in her car sear carrier, and for the first 45-60 minutes of the meeting, we introduced ourselves to one another and Fiona and Nate asked us questions they had prepared. There was also a brief discussion in which all four of us stated that we wanted to have an open adoption. When the talking ceased, I asked if I could have a moment alone with Fiona and Lily. I was still processing the fact that she hadn't seen Lily.
I don't think I've ever spoken this part of the story. I've tried a couple of times, but my emotions have never let me. Fiona looked at Lily and asked me if she could hold her. I took Lily out of her car seat, and Fiona asked me to help her position her arms the right way. I placed Lily in her arms and showed her how to support Lily's head. Once they were situated, Fiona wept. I lost my breath, and words escaped me. I could only wrap my arms around Fiona as she held Lily and cried. We stayed in that position for what seemed like a long time.
Suddenly, at the same time, we both felt very warm. We gathered our things, put Lily back in the car seat and rejoined G, Nate, and the social worker. We exchanged some pleasantries. They gave us their phone numbers and email addresses and asked us to email them some pictures. And G, Lily, and I left the office.
I don't think G and I spoke much in the car ride home. Both of our families and some close friends knew of the meeting and were waiting to hear the outcome. I sent a text to my sisters indicating that we were on our way home with Lily, knowing that they would let the others know. My in-laws were still in town, at our house, and they met us at the door with big smiles and hugs. But I was numb. I felt no relief, no joy. I had no tears left. The only thing I felt was sick. I wanted to crawl into my bed and hide under my covers. All I could think was, "What have I done?"
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Losing My Religion
Couldn't resist the R.E.M. reference. When we first started researching adoption, we looked into both domestic and international adoption. While we ended up adopting domestically, we originally attempted to adopt internationally. There are a few reasons why we went down the international path first, and one of them is my religion. I'm Jewish, and I was told by a number of adoption "professionals" that it would be difficult for a Jewish family to adopt because many/most parents considering placing their children want a Christian family.
Technically, I don't know if it's accurate to call us a Jewish family because my husband is Christian, and neither of us are very religious, and Santa definitely visits our house every December.
But I'll be honest, being told that my religion -- who I am -- would prevent me from being chosen as an adoptive parent made me feel pretty bad. It's not that I don't understand why parents would want to choose a family that shared their religion. That means they have something in common, and for many people, religion is very important. But is it a necessary ingredient in a successful placement?
I have read blogs of birthparents who did place their child with a family of a different religion, and I can see situations in which it has created problems. I've also read blogs of birthparents who placed their child in a family of the same religion, and the relationship has not gone well. Then I look at Lily's four parents -- me, G, Fiona, and Nate -- and all four of were brought up in different religions with different levels of observance. And I would definitely classify us as a strong match.
Judaism is certainly a part of our lives, but not to the exclusion of other religions and cultures. It's just another piece that, I think, enriches our lives. I'm glad I didn't let "warnings" hold me back from ultimately trying to adopt domestically, and I would hope that adoption "professionals" would work with both parents considering placement and potential adoptive parents to delve a bit deeper when it comes to religion.
Technically, I don't know if it's accurate to call us a Jewish family because my husband is Christian, and neither of us are very religious, and Santa definitely visits our house every December.
But I'll be honest, being told that my religion -- who I am -- would prevent me from being chosen as an adoptive parent made me feel pretty bad. It's not that I don't understand why parents would want to choose a family that shared their religion. That means they have something in common, and for many people, religion is very important. But is it a necessary ingredient in a successful placement?
I have read blogs of birthparents who did place their child with a family of a different religion, and I can see situations in which it has created problems. I've also read blogs of birthparents who placed their child in a family of the same religion, and the relationship has not gone well. Then I look at Lily's four parents -- me, G, Fiona, and Nate -- and all four of were brought up in different religions with different levels of observance. And I would definitely classify us as a strong match.
Judaism is certainly a part of our lives, but not to the exclusion of other religions and cultures. It's just another piece that, I think, enriches our lives. I'm glad I didn't let "warnings" hold me back from ultimately trying to adopt domestically, and I would hope that adoption "professionals" would work with both parents considering placement and potential adoptive parents to delve a bit deeper when it comes to religion.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
A Turning Point
In history class, students are often asked to identify turning points. It's considered a critical thinking skill to identify a specific event that changed the course of history, a defining moment if you will. There have been a few turning points in our open adoption journey, one of which happened when Lily was about six months old.
Our first two meetings with Fiona and Nate had been at the agency. I haven't written a whole lot about the agency we used. It is a small, local agency that doesn't facilitate many domestic adoptions, and therefore has little experience with open adoptions. The social worker assigned to our case was a horrible communicator, downright odd, and extremely frazzled, disorganized, and easily confused. Her "facilitation" actually resulted in countless miscommunications and misunderstandings that caused the beginning of our relationship to be a bit rocky. Things only started progressing once she was out of the picture. After our second meeting at the agency, I got the sense that Fiona was just as frustrated if not more frustrated than I was with the social worker. So when we left the office and were out in the parking lot, I asked her if she would want to go out to dinner the next time we got together. She said yes, and neither of us ever spoke to the social worker again even though the adoption wouldn't be finalized for another five months or so. She never called us, and we never called her. I know that the attorney we hired to finalize the adoption did communicate with this social worker, but the fact that she never followed up with us or Fiona and Nate illustrates her complete ineptitude.
It took a while for us to set up the dinner we had talked about that day in the parking lot. I sent several emails and left several voicemails that went unanswered, and I got the first feel of what it was like to worry that we might lose touch. It was really scary, and it helped me realize just how much I wanted our open adoption to work. We finally set a date and time for this dinner, and there would be a new dynamic added -- Ferb. Fiona and Nate knew about Ferb and he knew about them, but they had never met. Ferb was five at the time, but he really wasn't a typical five-year-old. He had a tendency (and still does) to ask very hard-hitting, probing questions. He once asked my father why he divorced my mother, and when my father gave an admittedly lame answer, Ferb followed up with, "No, what's the REAL reason you wanted to divorce her?" So I was a bit nervous about Ferb's first meeting with Fiona and Nate because a) I really wanted them to like each other, and b) I really didn't want Ferb to say or ask something that would make them uncomfortable. So Ferb and I talked a lot about Fiona and Nate before our first meeting. I even made him a little book about the story of how Lily came into our lives and how Fiona and Nate were now part of our family too. It was a bit tough to explain to Ferb why Fiona and Nate made the decision they made. Every time I gave a reason, he would come up with another question that attempted to delve deeper. He's a tough audience, for sure.
The day of our dinner, as it turned out, Ferb was getting over a cold so he was a bit more quiet than usual. He loves to draw, so he spent a lot of the evening drawing and keeping to himself. To be honest, I was fine with this because I was just so nervous about what he might say. Toward the end of the dinner, Fiona left to go to the bathroom, and suddenly Ferb looked at Nate and said, "Nate, can I ask you a question?" I held my breath. Word for word (except for the names), here's what they said:
"How much do you miss Lily?" Ferb asked.
"I miss her a lot," Nate answered.
"You should come over to our house," Ferb explained. "You could see her all the time."
It had been six months, and we had yet to invite Fiona and Nate to our house. I don't know exactly why. They knew our full names, and I knew our address was easily found on the Internet, so it wasn't that I was afraid of them knowing where we live. But I was afraid of something. Maybe I just wanted to get to know them better. Maybe I was influenced by all the people in my life who were telling me "be careful" and "don't let them get too close." But here was my five-year-old son, once again pointing out the obvious to me. Fiona and Nate live 10 minutes from our house. Of course they should come over to visit. At that moment, I felt like a total idiot.
That conversation between Nate and Ferb was definitely a turning point in our open adoption. Since that day, Fiona and Nate have been to our home many times, and now I can't imagine it any other way.
Our first two meetings with Fiona and Nate had been at the agency. I haven't written a whole lot about the agency we used. It is a small, local agency that doesn't facilitate many domestic adoptions, and therefore has little experience with open adoptions. The social worker assigned to our case was a horrible communicator, downright odd, and extremely frazzled, disorganized, and easily confused. Her "facilitation" actually resulted in countless miscommunications and misunderstandings that caused the beginning of our relationship to be a bit rocky. Things only started progressing once she was out of the picture. After our second meeting at the agency, I got the sense that Fiona was just as frustrated if not more frustrated than I was with the social worker. So when we left the office and were out in the parking lot, I asked her if she would want to go out to dinner the next time we got together. She said yes, and neither of us ever spoke to the social worker again even though the adoption wouldn't be finalized for another five months or so. She never called us, and we never called her. I know that the attorney we hired to finalize the adoption did communicate with this social worker, but the fact that she never followed up with us or Fiona and Nate illustrates her complete ineptitude.
It took a while for us to set up the dinner we had talked about that day in the parking lot. I sent several emails and left several voicemails that went unanswered, and I got the first feel of what it was like to worry that we might lose touch. It was really scary, and it helped me realize just how much I wanted our open adoption to work. We finally set a date and time for this dinner, and there would be a new dynamic added -- Ferb. Fiona and Nate knew about Ferb and he knew about them, but they had never met. Ferb was five at the time, but he really wasn't a typical five-year-old. He had a tendency (and still does) to ask very hard-hitting, probing questions. He once asked my father why he divorced my mother, and when my father gave an admittedly lame answer, Ferb followed up with, "No, what's the REAL reason you wanted to divorce her?" So I was a bit nervous about Ferb's first meeting with Fiona and Nate because a) I really wanted them to like each other, and b) I really didn't want Ferb to say or ask something that would make them uncomfortable. So Ferb and I talked a lot about Fiona and Nate before our first meeting. I even made him a little book about the story of how Lily came into our lives and how Fiona and Nate were now part of our family too. It was a bit tough to explain to Ferb why Fiona and Nate made the decision they made. Every time I gave a reason, he would come up with another question that attempted to delve deeper. He's a tough audience, for sure.
The day of our dinner, as it turned out, Ferb was getting over a cold so he was a bit more quiet than usual. He loves to draw, so he spent a lot of the evening drawing and keeping to himself. To be honest, I was fine with this because I was just so nervous about what he might say. Toward the end of the dinner, Fiona left to go to the bathroom, and suddenly Ferb looked at Nate and said, "Nate, can I ask you a question?" I held my breath. Word for word (except for the names), here's what they said:
"How much do you miss Lily?" Ferb asked.
"I miss her a lot," Nate answered.
"You should come over to our house," Ferb explained. "You could see her all the time."
It had been six months, and we had yet to invite Fiona and Nate to our house. I don't know exactly why. They knew our full names, and I knew our address was easily found on the Internet, so it wasn't that I was afraid of them knowing where we live. But I was afraid of something. Maybe I just wanted to get to know them better. Maybe I was influenced by all the people in my life who were telling me "be careful" and "don't let them get too close." But here was my five-year-old son, once again pointing out the obvious to me. Fiona and Nate live 10 minutes from our house. Of course they should come over to visit. At that moment, I felt like a total idiot.
That conversation between Nate and Ferb was definitely a turning point in our open adoption. Since that day, Fiona and Nate have been to our home many times, and now I can't imagine it any other way.
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