The Balance

I've become fascinated/obsessed with the relationship between first parents and adoptive parents in open adoptions. It seems to me that one of the hardest part of the relationship is finding the right balance -- in communication, visits, and so forth. I read a lot of blogs of first parents, and there often (but not always) seems to be a desire on their end for more communication and visits. In our case, it's the opposite. I will often email/call/text Fiona and Nate four or five times before I get a response. I wonder sometimes if other a-parents would have given up. I am very persistent by nature, and my friends joke that I'd be a very hard person to get rid of. If I want to get in touch with you, I will. Fiona and Nate have told me they like that quality in me because they are generally not great about getting back to people. I do think that's true (Fiona's mom has confirmed it), but I also think that sometimes they just aren't in the state of mind to deal with us, which is fine. I understand, I really do.

Overall, I think our relationship with Fiona and Nate is good, but it could be better, and I hope over time it does get better. I feel that happening, but sometimes I wish things would move faster. We're ready, but they're not. While Fiona's whole family knows about Lily, Nate's does not, and I definitely think that's holding us back. I have told Nate many times that I think he should tell his family -- for many reasons -- one being that some of them live locally and they are missing out on a relationship they could be having with Lily. I also don't like secrets, and one day Lily is going to be old enough to realize she's a secret, and I can't imagine that will make her feel good. At this point, however, the situation is out of my hands, and I do notice that when I try to approach certain sensitive topics with them, they tend to shut down. And I don't want to rock the boat. Our relationship with Fiona and Nate is too important to me.

On an intellectual level, I'm aware that G and I hold the power to keep the adoption open or close it. We never had an open adoption agreement, aside from the fact that they aren't even enforceable in our state, so there's definitely an unfair balance of power on paper. In reality, however, I don't feel like I have the power. Over the last two and a half years, I believe I have initiated 99% of the communication and visits with them. Sometimes I wonder if I haven't done enough to convince them that they can request things of us. Or maybe we're doing something that makes THEM worried about rocking the boat. Or maybe they're focused on who has the power on paper. I honestly don't know, and when I've tried to discuss it, I don't get much of a response.

I like and love Fiona and Nate. If I had met them for a different reason, I think we would have been friends. We're all very different in some ways, yet we connect on this great level. There have a been a couple of times when it's just been the four adults hanging out and we've had great laughs. There's also a deep respect for one another on both ends. Given that the four of us didn't meet until a week after Lily was placed with us, I feel incredibly lucky that we make such a great match.

I also wonder how the fact that Fiona and Nate are still together affects our open adoption. I have nothing to compare it to, so it's hard for me to say. I imagine it would be harder if they were not together and communication and visits weren't combined.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, but one thing I know is that Fiona and Nate are definitely part of our family, and that will never change. We've celebrated Lily's first two birthdays with them and I hope that's a tradition we keep up. I may be naive in hoping for this, but hey - why not. I hope that Lily grows up feeling that she was surrounded by not one, not two, not three, but FOUR parents who love her to death and would do anything for her. We're all four very different -- in terms of upbringing, experience, education, background, ethnicity, and religion -- yet we all have come together out of love for Lily. I hope she grows up to feel that.