Couldn't resist the R.E.M. reference. When we first started researching adoption, we looked into both domestic and international adoption. While we ended up adopting domestically, we originally attempted to adopt internationally. There are a few reasons why we went down the international path first, and one of them is my religion. I'm Jewish, and I was told by a number of adoption "professionals" that it would be difficult for a Jewish family to adopt because many/most parents considering placing their children want a Christian family.
Technically, I don't know if it's accurate to call us a Jewish family because my husband is Christian, and neither of us are very religious, and Santa definitely visits our house every December.
But I'll be honest, being told that my religion -- who I am -- would prevent me from being chosen as an adoptive parent made me feel pretty bad. It's not that I don't understand why parents would want to choose a family that shared their religion. That means they have something in common, and for many people, religion is very important. But is it a necessary ingredient in a successful placement?
I have read blogs of birthparents who did place their child with a family of a different religion, and I can see situations in which it has created problems. I've also read blogs of birthparents who placed their child in a family of the same religion, and the relationship has not gone well. Then I look at Lily's four parents -- me, G, Fiona, and Nate -- and all four of were brought up in different religions with different levels of observance. And I would definitely classify us as a strong match.
Judaism is certainly a part of our lives, but not to the exclusion of other religions and cultures. It's just another piece that, I think, enriches our lives. I'm glad I didn't let "warnings" hold me back from ultimately trying to adopt domestically, and I would hope that adoption "professionals" would work with both parents considering placement and potential adoptive parents to delve a bit deeper when it comes to religion.
Love REM and love this post. I'm here via the Open Adoption Interview Project.
ReplyDeleteWe're atheists and there were agencies that wouldn't even consider us. I worried that our atheist beliefs, I'd actually describe us as humanists, would be a major road block to adoption. In the end it was one of the main reasons why Big Mama, first mother to our son Fox, considered us. We had our home study done by a local home study agency, and were planning to sign up with one of the big open adoption agencies on the West Coast, because we didn't really qualify (not Christian, not medically infertile) with local and we were not willing to work with agencies who wouldn't work with same sex couples and weren't focused on open ethical adoption. Big Mama approached our agency looking for potential adoptive parents who were atheist or agnostic or just not super religious. We had been very upfront in our homestudy interviews about our beliefs. We had debated waffling about being spiritual or something and in the end settled on saying we were humanists/atheists and explaining our families religious leanings. We questioned whether being atheists would be a stumbling block to being matched and the social worker gave an honest response, that for some expectant parents it would be, but that it would appeal to others and some just wouldn't care, that it was important to be honest as the adoption triad is an ongoing relationship. In the end it was that frank conversation about humanism and atheism that meant our names were put forth as one of a very short list to Big Mama. Our agency isn't a matching agency as a rule, and Big Mama had some definite requests. Wow. That is a post all of its own. I haven't talked much about how our match came to be. Maybe I need to. Thank you for this, I would agree that the conversation about belief and faith needs to be deeper and more open in adoption.
We go to church and are happy to describe ourselves as Christian but are not by any stretch of the imagination conservative/evangelical or whatever the buzzword of the day is. We spoke to some adoptive parents, agencies and facilitators (in the state we used to live in where you can use facilitators) and some of the agencies and facilitators pretty much had a statement of belief you had to sign up to (erm, no thank you) but the adoptive parents more or less said that many expectant parents who grew up celebrating Christmas and Easter wanted to know that their future child would do the same.
ReplyDeleteThank you both for your comments. I feel like I really only scratched the surface with this post. At times I felt discounted simply because I was Jewish and not because of what I believed or celebrated. Personally, I think that how you live your life is far more important than what religion you are a part of (if any) or what you believe or don't believe when it comes to a higher being. The point I was trying to make in my post is that I think adoption agencies do a disservice to all members of the triad when they simply want you to check a box rather than delve into what you believe and how that plays out in your life and the way you raise your kids. We were even encouraged by one person at an agency to "play up our Christian side," which struck me as ridiculous. I think the fact that we were a blended family before adoption (blending two different religions in one family) helped prepare us for both the richness and challenges that come when you expand your family through adoption. It's a complicated topic that I'm sure I'll continue to think about and address.
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