A Moment in Time

There are many layers to our first meeting with Fiona and Nate, and it will take me many blog entries to get through all the layers. The meeting happened a week after Lily had been born and placed with us. It was within the revocation period. And, unbeknowst to us before the meeting, it was the first time Fiona and Nate had seen Lily.

This meeting took place in a sterile agency office with bad ventilation. A large table and some fake plants took up most of the room. I sat across from Fiona, both of us with bloodshot eyes and a look of death warmed over. We both knew that one of us would be leaving that office with Lily and the other one would not. I knew through the social worker only this -- Fiona was confused about things and she wanted to meet us, they wanted to talk about having an open adoption.

Lily was sleeping in her car sear carrier, and for the first 45-60 minutes of the meeting, we introduced ourselves to one another and Fiona and Nate asked us questions they had prepared. There was also a brief discussion in which all four of us stated that we wanted to have an open adoption. When the talking ceased, I asked if I could have a moment alone with Fiona and Lily. I was still processing the fact that she hadn't seen Lily.

I don't think I've ever spoken this part of the story. I've tried a couple of times, but my emotions have never let me. Fiona looked at Lily and asked me if she could hold her. I took Lily out of her car seat, and Fiona asked me to help her position her arms the right way. I placed Lily in her arms and showed her how to support Lily's head. Once they were situated, Fiona wept. I lost my breath, and words escaped me. I could only wrap my arms around Fiona as she held Lily and cried. We stayed in that position for what seemed like a long time.

Suddenly, at the same time, we both felt very warm. We gathered our things, put Lily back in the car seat and rejoined G, Nate, and the social worker. We exchanged some pleasantries. They gave us their phone numbers and email addresses and asked us to email them some pictures. And G, Lily, and I left the office.

I don't think G and I spoke much in the car ride home. Both of our families and some close friends knew of the meeting and were waiting to hear the outcome. I sent a text to my sisters indicating that we were on our way home with Lily, knowing that they would let the others know. My in-laws were still in town, at our house, and they met us at the door with big smiles and hugs. But I was numb. I felt no relief, no joy. I had no tears left. The only thing I felt was sick. I wanted to crawl into my bed and hide under my covers. All I could think was, "What have I done?"